The Journey of My Life...

2011-03-12T12:56:00.010-06:00

Over the past year the image of the tree has become pretty significant to me. The Lord often speaks to me through pictures and images, and the image of a tree seems to continue to come up. I have often found myself drawn to paintings and designs that incorporate trees.

At the beginning of this present journey the tree was small, just a shoot. Tender and willowy with roots that barely breached the soil. It was easily bent and swayed by the wind that often swirled around it. While it was planted in the soil and rooted there, moments would go by that would tug at the very roots holding it in place. The tree often felt like an moment she would lose her hold and be carried off by the mighty rushing wind.

As time went on an amazing thing happened, the tree grew. The roots dug themselves down more deeply into the soil, the trunk thickened and became more firm, the branches began to reach towards the heavens. The winds still rushed and swirled around but the little tree was no longer swayed as easily. There were less and less moments where the tree felt like it would be plucked from the soil it clung to and carried off by the wind. There was a settling, a confidence that no longer would the slightest breeze threaten to overtake the tree.

As the tree stretched toward heaven joy began to spring forth. It started small at first, just little hints here and there, but as the sun shone down and the tree soaked in it's warmth, as the roots grabbed hold of the soil and felt their firm grasp, the tree couldn't help but be overcome. She knew that she was growing, changing, strengthening. She knew that she was firmly planted in a soil so rich she only had to soak in it's nutrients. Her job, her task was to soak in the sun, feel it's warmth, bask in its greatness and to open herself up to the richness in the soil holding her in place.

She still had much more growth to do, but now, being a bigger and stronger tree, she could dance with the wind instead of bow her head in shame and fear.

Grieving

2011-02-15T16:50:00.036-06:00

I am grieving. There I said it. It's out in the open. Hidden no more.

But I'm not grieving in the traditional sense. I didn't lose a loved one to death. Instead I am experiencing the grief of changing friendships / relationships.

I never thought that one could grieve over something other than someone that you love dying and no longer being around. I never thought I would grieve the changing of relationship with friends who I care deeply for. In fact, it feels very humbling, and frankly embarrassing, to admit grieving over the changing of relationships.

I have always been strong. In crisis situations I have always been looked to for strength and support, to be the strong one, the one that nothing phases. Being the oldest child from a messy home, I am guessing I came by this naturally. I am also a pretty even person. I don't typically have really high highs or really low lows. People are always telling me how strong I am and how great I handle things. Because of that I have often pressured myself to remain strong in tough situations.

This has all changed this past year. As I have been working on my inner self, the Lord and I have taken a journey into the depths of my soul. What I have found there has been much pain and heartache, but also freedom and love that I have never known. I have experienced some pretty low lows and have seen sides to myself that make me want to hide my head in shame. I'm not the strong stoic person I, and many others, think that I am. I am a meek, timid, scared little girl looking for love and acceptance. I am a girl filled with many hurts, a girl desperately in need of a Savior, a friend.

I have been an absolute mess and more so, allowed myself to be that mess and allowed others to see it. Of course not everyone is privy to my mess and I am sure that the majority of people in my life have no idea the journey that this has been. But I have worked hard and fought to remain true and authentic with my closest circle of friends. And a fight it has been. I have battled the fear that friends would grow weary of walking with me in my messy, hurting, needing state and turn away. I am sad to admit there have been many days were I listened to that fear and hid my hurt, my pain, my mess so that I wouldn't seem so needy. But there were other days where I humbly asked for help, grace and love, knowing that if my burden became too much to bear and they couldn't take it and walked away, that Christ would still be by my side.

As I asked for help and opened myself up an incredible thing happened. I found love. I found grace. I found acceptance. I found women who stood by me, prayed with me, cried with me, loved me in spite of my mess. And I have clung to them and really come to realize how much they mean to me. Realize that I never would have made it through this journey without them. Realize how much I love them.

But time marched on.

Within the last 5 months one moved far way, one has gotten married (one who I had lived with and shared life with for over 8 years) and one is about to be married. All wonderful things. Things that deep within I rejoice over and thank the Lord for. Things I have prayed with them for and am so excited about. But what that means for me is a drastic change in all 3 of my closest relationships.

I didn't realize all these things compiled together in such a short amount of time would mean grief. I didn't realize how much those relationships meant to me until they shifted and changed. I didn't realize how much I relied on that love and support until it looked different.

I am still friends with these women and hope to always be, but I am grieving what was. I used to be the one they talked with about hard days, the one they called when they needed to cry, the one they called when something great happened and they couldn't wait to share it, and the one they wanted to hang out with on a Friday night.

Within my soul I know that I will get through this. I know that we will figure out this new kind of relationship, that time will march on, that our relationship will morph and shift like the changing of the seasons. But I also know that I need time to grieve.

Weird. Grieving relationships that still are. Grieving the loss of people who still live and move and are a part of my life, albeit in different ways. But I need to do it. I need to allow myself the space and freedom to mourn, to be sad, to miss what was.

It sucks. It's humbling. It's hard. But it's real. And that is what I have been fighting for this past 18 months - being honest with where I'm at and gentle with myself. Allowing myself to feel, to breathe, to be real. For too long I have stuffed feeling and emotion so that I could "be alright," and "be strong" only to become this broken, wrecked, lost individual.

So I humbly ask for grace as I walk through the tangled web of emotions that is grief. I know I won't do it perfectly. I know it will be hard on more than just me. But I also know I need to walk this path.

Thankful

2010-10-13T15:12:00.002-05:00

"You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence." (Psalm 90: 8)
But it is there, in the light of your presence, fully seen for all that we are, that grace abounds. There in that vulnerable, scary place we find love, a limitless, merciful, amazing love. Love that washes our iniquity, our sin, away, leaving us spotless before your throne.

Serving. Friends. Refreshment.

2009-03-23T19:25:00.022-05:00

Fargo, ND a town about 3 hours away from the Twin Cities is located along the Red River. The unique thing about the Red River is that it flows north instead of south. Because of this it is prone to flooding in the spring when the southern part of the river thaws more quickly than the northern part. Right now the town of Fargo is preparing itself for some massive flooding. The river is already over it's banks and continues to rise. The community has banded together to lay around 2 million sandbags in an effort to stop the water.

My friend Dave had the incredible idea to drive up there for the day to help. We left the Twin Cities at 9 am on Sunday morning and got up there around lunchtime. We parked at the Fargodome and loaded one of the buses bound for the dikes.

Driving to the work site was a tad surreal. The city has built dikes made out of dirt in different portions of the city. These dikes look like large dirt walls running down half of the street, leaving only one lane to drive on. The homes on the other side are blocked in by these dirt dikes on one side and sandbag dikes on the other. The theory behind it is if the water makes it through the sandbags then the wall of dirt will stop it from flooding the entire neighborhood. I had never seen anything like it. Pulling up to the work site our bus our bus slid around a corner. If you have never experienced a bus sliding in slow motion around a corner, it's pretty sweet (only because we didn't hit anything).

We worked for about 5 hours laying sandbags to help build a dike and guesstimate that we helped place around 1,500 sandbags. We also met some fun people in the process: there was a youth group there (which made it feel a little bit like we were on a YouthWorks site), we met 2 people who had worked at camp with one of our co-workers, a man who is the uncle of someone who used to work for YouthWorks, and a guy who is dating a girl who went to high school with Dave. In addition we met a lot of really cool people who live in Fargo.

Getting dirty (we were covered in mud), working side by side with friends and strangers, and accomplishing something tangible was a super refreshing way to spend the day.

The year of 2009 I have dedicated to learning to love others better. To put daily into practice the verse that says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3). The phrase "consider others better than yourself" has been running on a looped track in my head these last few months. There are moments where I live this out very well and almost want to boast at the way I am putting others ahead of me, but I am ashamed to say that there are many more times where I take the selfish path. The path that looks the way I want it to look and the path that is the most comfortable and convenient for me.

Out there in the mud and muck, lifting 20 lb bags of sand and working with people from all walks of life this phrase often found it's place in my head. I found myself wondering how I could serve these friends and strangers in my midst. I found myself wondering if my sacrifice made a difference, if it had any effect on those around me. But then I remembered that I don't love and serve others for their sake. I love and serve others because they are reflections of the God I love and adore. I love and serve others because Christ calls me to that. I love and serve others because in serving and loving them, I am serving and loving Him.

My head hit the pillow late that night thankful. Thankful for friends and deepening relationships. Thankful for laughter. Thankful for car sing-alongs. Thankful for serving. And thankful for a God who loves me, despite moments of selfishness and vain ambition. Who loves me really, inspite of my sinful self. Who loves me because of the beauty He sees within me.

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes who were too strong for me.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because
HE DELIGHTED IN ME."
Psalm 18: 16,17,19

A Time of Sacrifice

2009-02-24T19:55:00.006-06:00

This post is a collection of all the random thoughts that are floating around in my head as of late:

It's crazy to think that Lent is already upon us. The Christmas season with it's hustle and bustle is a semi-distant memory. January, which turned out to be just as, if not more, busy than December seems like it only ended yesterday and yet March is staring us dead in the eye.

Lent starts tomorrow. Tomorrow I begin a journey that will last 40 days and which will culminate with the celebration of Christ's resurrection. I have decided this year to incorporate fasting into my sacrificial giving up. Fasting to petition the Lord. Fasting to cry out for a word. Fasting to draw me nearer to the heart of God. Fasting to ask for a gift.

As I think about this time I reflect on the current state of my life. Hungry but not satisfied. Longing but unable to seek. A place that wants to be hopeful but a place that more often feels pushed down and held back. I am struggling. Struggling to put God first, struggling to love Him with my whole being, struggling to connect intimately with my Creator, struggling to trust in his goodness in the midst of waiting. There is a hunger inside of me that keeps calling out, keeps asking to be filled. I am scared that as I keep ignoring it that it will become less and less, but that doesn't seem to be the case. In fact, the opposite is true. It seems to be growing bigger and bigger, not allowing me to forget it's existence. It's always there, calling out to me, urging me to come, but when when I do, when I make time, I run up against a brick wall. I don't know what this brick wall is or why it continues to hold me back. It's frustrating. I miss Jesus. I miss sweet fellowship. I miss growth and change. I miss steps made toward my God.

I'm seeking answers to things that have long gone unfulfilled. There are moments where I ask "is this worth it? do i really want to live this christian life?" I am being pushed to a place of trust that is scary and hard. All these may be my walls. Things that hold me back. Ways I am held at bay.

Why can't I break free? Why can't I be totally content just being loved by Jesus? Why do I long for more and more? Why are you silent God? Why can't I get back to that place of sweet fellowship?

i miss you.

i need you.

please hear my cry through sacrifice.

draw me near.

The Long-Awaited Update!

2008-12-27T13:44:00.084-06:00

After many months I am finally tackling the impossible, updating my blog! Since I haven't updated in about 5 months I will give a brief update about each month.

July

July started after I finished my triathlon. Here are a few pictures of the event:

The rest of July was spent enjoying the summer-hanging out outside, going to my cousin's wedding, spending time on the lake. I also participated in my first ever mud volleyball tournament. It was a blast!!

August

August was a bit of a whirlwind at first with the end of the YouthWorks summer. I got to help out at the Minneapolis Exit RAMP, which allowed me to spend more time with some of the staff I had gotten to know over the summer. It was also spent trying to figure out my next steps career-wise. After interviewing and agonizing and looking for new jobs for weeks I accepted a position in the Training Department at YouthWorks. It is a 30 hour position (with benefits, thanks Lord!) so I have been doing some other odd jobs to supplement my income.

The MN State Fair was also a highlight of the month and some friends and I biked there from our house. It was a great time, walking around and sampling all the traditional fare that comes with the great MN get together.

September

September started out with a Labor Day weekend trip to NE WI. We went to stay at the cabin of a friend and then spent a day on Madeline Island. It was a great way to end the summer and bring in the fall.

After 3 years of thinking about going back to school and pursuing graphic design I signed up for a course at the Minneapolis Community and Technical College. I took a class called Intro to Graphic Software and absolutely loved it! It was fun to be back in the college setting and to be pursuing something that I love. It was a bit hard to get back into the homework mode but for the most part I loved it all.

September was also the month where I moved into a new decade-30. To celebrate my roommate Danita decided that it was going to be a month of 30 days of 30 and celebrated my birthday every single day. I felt so loved and cared for by all the people who participated and I was also astounded by how much my friend knew me. It made turning 30 a whole lot easier. Some of the highlights included a birthday scavenger hunt, delicious treats delivered to work by many different friends, a weekend trip to Duluth, fun excursions around Minneapolis and the best gift, a scrapbook of my time in the Twin Cities. Almost daily I was left speechless by the love that surrounds me here.

October

October included many fall type things-trips to the apple orchard, a cabin in WI, celebrating the birthday of one of our roommates, and seeing my nephew in his Halloween parade. It was also the month that I started my new position at YouthWorks. It was great to finally be working in that department and with the other 2 ladies on my team. I love the new position and am excited to go to work everyday.

November

When November hit my nephew turned 4 and I was struck by how much he is resembling a little boy now instead of a toddler. In another couple years he will be in school, which is really crazy to think about.

We also hosted our first ever Crock-Pot Cook-Off at our house About 30 people came over with crock-pots in tow. There was a lot of great food and conversation. We are already looking forward to next year's cook-off.

November was also the month that we had to put my grandpa Smith in the nursing home. Since I was born when he was in his 50's, it has been hard to watch him grow older. About 2 years ago he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and we are finally starting to see some of the effects from that. We went to visit him in he nursing home at Thanksgiving and it was really hard to see him break down and cry multiple times. I havemany fond memories of him over the years and I am sad to think that the end may be near for him.

December

December came in with a burst of Christmas music and signs of the season all around (well, actually November came in with Christmas displays being put up in all the stores). I love this time of year so it was fun to have holiday music, lights, and decorations making their appearance on lawns all over. December has also brought with it mountains of snow and cold making it one of the coldest and snowiest December's we have had for a long time. This year, more so than any other, I have had a hard time embracing winter and I often find myself wishing I were living somewhere a little south of here. Maybe that means my time in MN is coming to an end, who knows. But for now, I am trying to have a better attitude about driving on icy roads while being very bundled up. Thankfully, all the Christmas signs and happenings helped to make it a little easier.

Triathlon...I Finished!

2008-07-29T20:58:00.004-05:00

As many of you know, I competed in my first ever triathlon on June 29 in Rochester, MN. The triathlon consisted of a 1/4 mile swim, a 10.2 mile bike, and a 3.2 mile run. The training was hard and took a lot of mental determination to complete but it got me through the race. My goal was 1. to finish and 2. to run the entire last portion. I accomplished both of my goals. I finished the race in 1 hour and 40 minutes, not the fastest time on the planet but I ran the entire 3.2 miles! A great accomplishment considering that back in January I couldn't even run 1 mile without my asthma kicking in.

(internet is super slow tonight so I'll add some pictures later!)

Thanks Lord for the strength and stamina to finish this race and to complete this goal!

The Joys of Starting

2008-07-08T19:31:00.012-05:00

I got to spend 2 weeks this summer as a YouthWorks Starter. What that means is that I travel to one of our mission sites for a week to help the staff get up and running. I am an extra set of hands as well as a voice of experience to help them run a successful first week for our participants.

My first starting adventure took me to Sisseton, SD. A small town on the South Dakota/Minnesota border. I drove there from the Twin Cities and after my 4 hour car ride was grateful to find an incredible and caring staff at the other end. One of them had seen YouthWorks before as a high school youth; other than that they were greener than green to the YouthWorks world. They were amazing though and did a great job. When Friday came I didn't want to go and they didn't want me to leave. We all put off my departure as long as possible and even tried to brainstorm a few ways that I could stay with them. After being there for a week (and immediately jumping back into Area Director mode-I have done that job for the last 5 years so it was easy to slip into) I began to see all the ways I was hoping that they would be grown and stretched this summer-in their faith, as well as individually. It was a sad realization to face that I wouldn't be getting that chance personally but would have to suffice with updates from their Area Director as well as random phone calls to them throughout the summer. I loved my time at Lake Traverse and was sad to leave.

Me and the Site Director for Lake Traverse, Mandy

we're looking pretty good for being sleep deprived and unshowered!

Next I headed up to Sault Ste Marie, MI (which is on the Upper Peninsula right next to Canada), which was a site I had been Area Director for the year before. I was excited to head back to a familiar place but I was still missing the Lake Traverse team and was a little bit nervous to be meeting a new set of staff. Upon my arrival I found 4 very laid back people who seemed to have a lot of problems taking initiative and making decisions. I didn't seem to connect with them as quickly or as naturally as I had with the Lake Traverse team and I was afraid that I was in for a very long and very hard week. I have rarely been more grateful to say that I was wrong. While the staff was still pretty laid back and somewhat quiet, they jumped in and did a great job. I ended up having a blast with them, especially the Site Director who is somewhat of an absurd quirky but really quality guy. By Thursday night I couldn't think about going home because I wanted to break into tears. I hate good-byes in the first place and now I was saying good-bye to the second set of great staff that I had just begun to get to know. As with Lake Traverse, I saw areas in each of their lives that I hoped they would grow in this summer. The whole plane trip home (all 4 airports of it), I tried not to think about the fact that I was 1. done being out for the summer and would have to go back to the office and sit behind a desk (being on site reminded me how much I love what I do and about why I do it) and 2. that I was leaving 4 people that I really wanted to spend more time with (not to mention the 4 from Lake Traverse whom I was already missing). I felt so blessed by the 2 weeks I got to be out in communities working with youth and adults. It was an amazingly refreshing and uplifting time, despite how tired I was upon returning home.It is such an amazing feeling to put your faith into action and to be filled with so much purpose.

The Sault Ste Marie Staff-Ross, Reuben-the Site Director, Erin, & Shannon at Iriqouis lighthouse on Lake Superior. We went there for a little sight seeing/quiet time fun! Notice the sweatshirts-despite being the end of June it was a bit chilly out there. I was wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt, a light fleece jacket and a hat!

Me with the staff at our Thursday night evening activity-going to the home of on of our community friends who lives on Lake Superior for swimming (or a polar dip), kayaking, and bonfire fun. Again, we are freezing so we are in our warm clothes!

All in all I loved starting and it has been fun to continue to keep up with the staff in those 2 places. I regularly get text messages from each place asking when I can come back and the Site Director in Sault Ste Marie has even added me to his weekly e-mail updates he sends to friends and family back home.

Happy Birthday America!

2008-07-04T22:57:00.003-05:00

This is the first 4th of July that I have ever had in Minneapolis. For the last 8 years I have celebrated the 4th in some random town with summer staff and YouthWorks participants. It was weird to think that when I got done with work at 4:00 (yes, we had to work today, but we get lots of other days off during the year to make up for it and we got to have a huge picnic which was fun) I had the entire evening free. I didn't have to worry about finishing up Club and figuring out how to get participants to and from the fireworks as well as getting them to bed at a decent hour. Instead I took a short nap and then headed over to some friends house for a BBQ. It was the perfect evening. We sat and chilled in the backyard. The sun was shining, it was warm (but not too warm), the food was delicious and we lounged around for about 3 hours eating and watching the kids play in the pool. It was exactly what I needed. Then me and 2 friends walked to a nearby park to watch the fireworks. I can home feeling really relaxed and thankful for such a great evening.

Father thank you for great friends and relaxing evenings. Thank you for the perfect weather and the chance to be outside celebrating this nation with all the different people that live in my neighborhood. Thank you for providing in ways that I didn't even know I needed.

(P.S. I know I haven't written anything about my month of June-starting 2 YouthWorks sites and doing a triathlon. Keep checking back, those things are next on my list to post about! )

It Has Begun

2008-06-05T23:26:00.004-05:00

It has begun, another YouthWorks summer. Summer number 8. I'm not out in the field this year which is a change. Of the last 8 summers, 6 of them have been spent in random areas of the country serving staff and communities from as many different walks of life as stars in the sky. I was curious to see how I would feel this summer about my limited role out on the front lines but I am surprisingly contented. I know that this is where I need to be for now. I get have little tastes and reminders of life as a YouthWorks summer staff, which is really nice and I think what will tide me over. I was in El Paso last week helping to train our Mexico and Puerto Rico staff and tomorrow I am heading to Sisseton, SD to help our Lake Traverse team get started. After that I head to Sault Ste Marie, MI to help the team up there and then after my triathlon and a couple days off I am back in the office in July. Summer is going to fly by.

What has also begun is my next journey with the Lord. Everyday I get more and more excited about this upcoming year and the promises it holds. I know the Lord is going to be revealing some amazing things to me in this next season and piece by piece over the last month He has begun the revealing process. This week I signed up for my first graphic design course, which is one piece of this next journey. I am excited to be diving into this dream that I have had for a few years and am anxious to see what the Lord is going to do with it. I look forward to more and more of it being revealed as days and weeks go by, and I just keep praying that God would give me the patience I need to accept these things in His timing. The possibilities are endless and I serve a God who can and will do "immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine." Of that I am certain, and of that is where my hope lies! I can't wait to share this journey with you as it is revealed to me step by step.

Pictures from my time in El Paso last week:

This is what greeted staff who arrived last week. We had a western theme.

This is the entire Mexico/Puerto Rico Region-they are a blast.

Adam and Alex all dressed up with nowhere to go.

An Amazing Evening

2008-05-10T21:53:00.002-05:00

I got to participate in my first bonfire of the season last night. A friend from work invited us all up to his parent's house. They live north of the Twin Cities about 45 minutes and live on a lake. About 20 of us from YouthWorks went up for the evening and had a blast playing volleyball, grilling out, talking, and having a bonfire.

There are few things that are more relaxing to me than hanging out at a lake with buddies. The evening really reminded me how fortunate I am to work with the people that I do. There were many moments throughout the course of the evening where I forgot that I was with co-workers. It left me a little speechless and feeling so blessed by the fellowship and love that surrounded me. I got home that night (or should I say morning because it was 1 am) and fell into bed with a smile on my face.

Thank you Lord for showing me your love through the people I spend most of my days with.

Indescribable, Lord you are

2008-05-05T11:54:00.005-05:00

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name.
You are amazing, God.
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
That you are amazing, God.
Incomparable, Unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.
You are amazing, God.

How I love this song. The words of it are so powerful. Thinking about God as indescribable, uncontainable, all powerful, untamable, Incomparable, and unchangeable make Him so huge. So powerful, so mighty. They leave me feeling as if the Lord fills the room with His might and His power. It leaves me feeling humbled that He would care for me, one small person on an earth of billions. It makes me humbled to think that I matter to him. That He loves me and cherishes me more than I will ever know. I sing this song and am often left breathless and overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord. Goodness that knows no bounds or human limits. Goodness and moves beyond anything that I can fathom. Goodness that is never changing and perfect as it is. I am left feeling as if I don't have the adequate words to express my thanksgiving to a God that "sees the depths of my heart and yet loves me the same."

Father thank you for being a God who is so huge. Thank you for loving and cherishing me the way you do when I am simply me, broken, hurting, imperfect me. Thank you that you have placed within me a little piece of you. A piece of you that is lovely. A piece of you that is worthy. A piece of you that is wonderful. Help me to spread those pieces around to all I meet that others may see you as indescribable, uncontainable, all powerful, untamable, incomparable, and unchangeable.

Next Steps...

2008-05-01T21:06:00.005-05:00

I went to visit MCTC (Minneapolis Community and Technical College) tonight. Just walking in the door, actually pulling into the parking ramp got me really excited at the prospect of going back to school to study graphic design. I talked to one of the teachers in the Graphic Design department, chatted with an admissions rep and took a campus tour. The campus, in downtown Minneapolis, is really pretty and fairly new. The college has a great reputation for graphic design, and was even recommended to me by an admissions counselor from a design school. I am thinking about working towards an AA Degree.

All in all it was a great visit, so great in fact, that I came home and applied online. I am hoping to take a class or 2 starting in the fall.

This has been a dream of mine for a long time so it is exciting to be taking some actual steps towards it. Thanks to my friends who have pushed me and who haven't let me just continue to talk about this.

Please continue to be in prayer for me as I begin this process.

2008-04-13T19:45:00.005-05:00

Trying so hard to reach you.

Running and running until I'm out of breath.

Unsure how to get there yet

Sure You are there

Trusting

The Movie of Life

2008-03-19T21:38:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if it was like a movie. My hair and make-up would always look perfectly done (including right away in the morning or after a good cry-fest), all of my life's problems would be solved within the course of about 2 hours, and I would meet the perfect guy in some random place upon which we have this whirlwind romance, a horrible fight and then an amazing reconciliation which includes him professing his undying love and affection for me. After that, we would ride off into the sunset to have a blissful, adventuresome life together where we don't worry about anything but what we will eat for dinner.

How different real life is. My hair and make-up are always a wreck (for some reason I still haven't mastered make-up and I often end up looking like a prepubescent girl who is playing dress-up with her mama's things, and my hair and I have given up on one another), my life's problems are never solved in a couple hours time, and I have yet to meet an amazing guy in a random place and have him fall madly in love with me at first sight.

Life, unlike in the movies, is fraught with many unknowns and much doubt and uncertainty. Real life relationships (friendships and romantic alike) are never pretty and involve a large amount of work and self-sacrifice. You never find "the perfect" job, house, car, furniture, clothing, haircut, mate, co-workers...life. But that reminds me that my life here was never meant to please me or to be perfect because I live in a fallen world, with fallen people. What I truly look for and seek is what comes next. A place I know almost nothing about but a place that my heart cries out for everyday. Don't get me wrong, there are many things to celebrate in this life and many moments of joy and happiness. But I am talking about true unadulterated contentment. Contentment that speaks of endless bliss and happiness. Contentment that comes from feeling 100% at home. Contentment unlike any I will experience in this life but contentment that I will live everyday with in the next one.

Life...Why Does It Have To Be So Dang Hard?

2008-02-26T18:15:00.002-06:00

The past week has been a little rough emotionally. When I was younger I thought that all my insecurities, all the times that I didn't feel like I fit in, all the work friendships/relationships takes, would all magically become easier. We would all get along because we are adults. We would all be less selfish because we "know" that we should put others before ourselves. We would be confident in who we are because, well, who cares.

Sadly, this isn't true. Friendships/relationships don't become easier. The frustrations and arguments and fights look different, but they are still there. Being sinful people, we still have to work at putting others before ourselves, and often it is easier to think only of what I want when I want it. I still fight all the same insecurities that I have since the day I knew what those were-am I boring? Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Does anyone like me? What if I say the wrong thing? It's true that they have a lot less power over me now than they did when I was 15, but I am sad to say that they are still there. Looming in the back of my mind. Waiting for just the right moment to pop into my head. Moments when I am feeling down and out. Moments when life gets hard.

So often I feel alone. I have been blessed with some amazing people who I call friends, but so many days I long for someone to truly know me and to care for me. Someone who can look at me and know that I what I need right now is a hug or a kind word. Someone who loves me for who I am-goofiness and all. Someone who can just hold me and help the worries of life fade away, if only for a few moments. I know that the Lord is what I should find my sufficiency in, but sometimes I long for someone with skin on. Someone who can walk this life of faith with me. Who can rejoice in the Lord with me. Who can share in my suffering and pain.

3 Miles!

2008-02-25T18:12:00.000-06:00

I ran 3 miles today and mostly in a row. For those who don't me as well, this is a HUGE accomplishment for me and my athsma. And the fact that I ran over two miles all in a row, walked only for about one sixth of a mile and then ran the rest is a big deal! It gave me the training boost that I needed. The boost that said that all this time and energy spent in the gym aren't a waste of my time!

Here's to many more 3 mile runs! Now if only swimming could become a little easier...

Triathlon Training

2008-02-19T20:32:00.003-06:00

As you may or may not know, I started training for a triathlon last month (January). The prospect of completing a race like this is really invigorating and a little bit scary. Having exercise induced asthma makes something like this a very daunting challenge. Because of the asthma it takes me quite awhile to build up the breathing endurance, and often I get impatient. This past week of training was one of those times. Training really kicked my butt. It was truly an act of the will to drag myself to the Y everyday knowing that I wouldn't leave for at least and hour and a half. After the workouts I always feel great but in the midst of them I would question why I was putting myself through this torture. Thankfully, I am not training for this race alone and my fellow trainers were there to encourage and pick me up. I think that this will definitely be a test of my self discipline and my will. I am encouraged to have already seen results, but I know that I still have a long road ahead of me.

Here's to a test of my will!

Enough

2007-12-09T20:59:00.000-06:00

As I have been meditating on trust and through circumstances in my life I have realized that I am scared to hope for what seems like the impossible. I am scared to hope. Nothing more, nothing less.

Jesus help me to trust you enough to have hope.

ENOUGH

-by kari smith

Scared to hope because I have been disappointed before.

Scared to dream because dreams have shattered before.

Scared to let myself believe that I am worth it because I have not been worth it before.

It is hard to realize your own demons.

It's hard to stare at your fears in the face.

It is scary to hope in something you think is unattainable and even more scary to think that it might be attainable...if only.

If only I were good enough.

If only I were funny enough.

If only I were interesting enough.

If only I were pretty enough.

If only...

The "if onlys" crowd my thoughts and cloud my vision.

I ache and yearn and dream of this seemingly unattainable thing

and then chastise myself for daring to hope.

My head and my heart cry out "Stop! You've been down this road before and it has lead to nothing but heartache and shattered hope. Don't go there again."

And for awhile I listen.

I listen to the warnings in my head.

I begin to steel my heart.

I give up hope.

And then, soft as a whisper, Your voice speaks.

Speaks to me of promise.

Speaks to me of hope.

Speaks to me of dreams.

And You say, "Fear not, for I am with you.

I summon you by name.

You are mine.

Don't steel your heart to me.

Dare to hope.

Dare to dream.

Dare to trust in Me."

I fall into your arms crying,

Longing

Wanting to hope

Wanting to dream

Wanting to believe that I am

...good enough.

...funny enough.

...interesting enough.

...pretty enough.

Trust

2007-12-04T09:39:00.000-06:00

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into
ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered His presence and His promise."

-Brennan Manning "Ruthless Trust"

Trust the way that Brennan Manning puts it is exciting and scary all at the same time. Moving away from my "predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future" into the often unknown path of Christ is exhilarating and overwhelming. Exhilarating because it is a path that is so often made clear only one step at a time, yet overwhelming for the same.

As I take a step into the unknown, Christ calls for my radical trust in who he is. My trust in the fact that he "does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17), that he has said "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5), that he is a "compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" (Exodus 34:6). He beckons me to leave all that is comfortable and to join him on an amazing journey; HIS journey. The journey into the dark and hurting places of this world. The journey to places that will feel hard and uncomfortable. The journey to places where he can and will "do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine!" (Ephesians 3:20-21) The journey into a life truly lived.

My prayer is that this is the type of ruthless trust that characterizes my life. Trust that says "I will follow You anywhere." Trust that often won't make sense in the beginning. Trust that takes me out of the secure and into the unknown. Trust in the one who formed me and knows me. Ruthless trust.

Where are you Lord?

2007-11-19T19:29:00.001-06:00

Lord where are you when life takes over?

Where are you in the black of night when I feel as if I am all alone?

Where are you when I cry out for answers?

Father why can't I find you?

Why do you seem to hide your face?

Why have you turned your back on me...or more appropriately, why have I turned mine?

Where can I go to be in your presence once more?

Why do I give in to this body of flesh?

Why does my pride and jealousy rear it's ugly head when over and over I beat it to the ground?

Why do I feel so alone on this never ending journey?

Why can't I be happy with you, and you alone?

I need a fresh washing of your spirit. I need a taste of your goodness. I need relief from longing unfulfilled. Jesus, help me to throw myself into your arms. Help me to be ok in this waiting room. Help me to trust that someday this wait will be over. That someday I will be with you forever, in a place where hurt and hate and anger and jealousy and pride can't hurt me anymore. In a place where I am completely me, dancing with you for eternity.

Faith

2007-11-06T22:25:00.001-06:00

Faith

One little word that has such a big meaning.

Faith

Something I continually strive for yet something that often eludes me.

Faith

A belief and hope that God is good. That he doesn't change. That he cares about my dreams, my desires, my aches, and my hurts.

Faith

How often I have cried out in faith that the Lord would hear me, that he would hear my cry for decaying marriage, that he would hear my cry for desires unmet and unfulfilled, that he would calm this spirit within me that so easily turns it back to its Creator. Yet how many times have I been met by silence...nothing...not a whisper, not a word...silence...

What do I do when the silence surrounds? When I must truly walk by faith and not by sight or by a word heard. When I must trust in the God who says he is good, who says he loves me, who says all things are for my good and for his glory. What do I do when doubt creeps in and I am too tired to fight? What do I do when questioning creeps in and I agree with it? What then Lord? Why are you silent? Why do you not honor scripture that talks about desire being fulfilled and unfulfilled longing being bad for the soul? I'm too tired to be strong. I'm too tired to hang on. I'm too tired to fight the voices that tell me I'm undesireable and stupid to fight for a marriage doomed to fail.

This is the place where I stand only on faith. Faith that my God truly is good. Faith that he has some sort of plan and purpose. Faith that desire overtaking my being will be fulfilled. Faith that he can take a ruined marriage and make it whole.

Faith that he is God and I am not.

Faith that he sees the big picture and that I am but a speck.

Faith that he existed before time began and that he will exist long after my time in this world is over.

Faith that he does truly love me and care about my hurts.

Faith

Something I will continue to strive for.

Faith

One small word with such great meaning.

Faith

My whole life.

The Big 3!

2007-11-04T21:12:00.000-06:00

My nephew turned 3 this last weekend and I got to go to Rochester to help him celebrate. It is hard to believe that this swet little boy who used to barely weigh 10 pounds turned 3. It's like he is a little man and not a baby anymore. We celebrated by going to Leo's Pizza-it's a little bit like Chuck E. Cheese-on Friday night (the actual day of his birthday) and then Saturday we had a birthday party for him. He loves the movie "Cars" so that was his theme. It was a great time to celebrate this sweet little boy!

Carving Pumpkins!

2007-10-24T21:17:00.000-05:00

Some friends got together to carve pumpkins for Halloween. I haven't done that in quite a few years and had forgotten how fun it! What a great time of fellowship, messiness, and creativity. We used this amazing little tool called teh Goop Scoop to help clean out the inards! (half the fun of the tool was the name!) It was great to feel a little bit like a kid again and to enjoy some time with great people.

The finished product!

You can't see it very well in this picture but he has a scar on the side of his head.

I would encourage all of you to pull out a pumpkin, push up your sleeves, and enjoy an hour of feeling like a kid again!

CCDA-Renewal, Refreshment, Revival

2007-10-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity to head to St Louis last week for a 4 day conference. I attended the Christian Community Development Association conference (CCDA) for the first time and had a blast. it was a great week/weekend of learning and being refreshed by the Lord. It was a great reminder to me that I am excited about developing and mentoring leaders. It was great to see so many like-minded people in one place. People who long to fight for those who don't have a voice and people who long to spread Christ's love. People who are working to cross the barriers of race and economic class that so divide the Body of Christ. I was challenged to start working now on goals and dreams that I have, knowing that the Lord will provide as needed and that with His help anything is possible. It was great to spend time with great friends and to have intentional conversations.

Jesus, continue to lay the things that I learned and experienced on my heart. Continue to mold and refine this heart that so easily becomes hard. Open my eyes to see the vision and the passion that you have for my life. I am yours Lord. Mold me. Shape me. Refine me. Help me to be a lover of your people. Help me to encourage and push forward people who have little faith in themselves. Help me to be a speaker of your truth. Help me to be a lover of your word. Help me to run hard after you.

The Birthday

2007-09-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

I celebrated my birthday yesterday and what a day it was. For the first time in 2 years I wasn't sick on my big day, which was a nice treat. I received many great e-mails and e-cards, super fun voicemails (some of which included serenading!), a blizzard and great conversation with a friend, a birthday serenade by my preschool kids (hence the birthday crown in the picture above) at church, and a yummy dinner and cake from my sweet roommates (who also, along with another friend and one of my sisters bought me the last 2 seasons I was missing to round out my "Friends" collection). All in all it was a great day and I was so blessed by all the love poured out to me.

The roommate birthday picture.

Tonya, Elisa, Me, Danita

Elisa was so sweet to make me my most favorite cake-Cold Water Chocolate Cake with Egg White Frosting, a recipe from my Grandma Smith. The sad news is that we didn't go straight to grandma for the recipe and because of that accidentally added too much baking soda. The cake didn't taste so good but the frosting was still amazing! So we just ate the frosting off the top. The picture is of me and the frostingless cake.

The video is of my nephew singing me happy birthday. There is nothing to actually look at because we were in the car at night, but you can hear his sweet little voice. (This actually was filmed last spring, so it wasn't on my birthday-although he did leave me a couple birthday messages with singing yesterday-but he inserted my name in the song and it melts my heart everytime I hear it so I had to include it!

Thank You Everyone for the all the Birthday Love!

The Silence was Golden

2007-09-25T20:23:00.000-05:00

I have returned from my time of solitude and I can tell you that it was an absolutely beautiful thing. As I went into that time I was so curious to know what the Lord was wanting to teach me. One of my first journal entries upon arrival read:

"Lord, what is it that I am after by being here? What am I hoping to find or experience? I think I am chasing after you. Hoping to find you and hear you in a place so quiet and still. Quiet not because because there isn't any noise, there's lots of that-the wind blowing through the trees, the sounds of cars speeding by on the highway, branches falling to the ground from their perches high above-quiet because there's no T.V. or radio to distract me, no schedule to keep or people to talk to, no cleaning to do, books to read, places to shop. Quiet because all the normal ways I distract myself are gone.

It's weird to be in a place where time doesn't matter. No
place to rush off to. It's amazing how the cares of the world can stick to you. Part of my hopes this wind will blow them out of my mind and off of my body."

I arrived and after a brief introduction was brought to my hermitage. It was named after St Therese of L'isiuex. There is some material on the saint in the hermitage and upon reading the stuff about St Therese I found that she talked about "a love that heals," Christ's love. It struck me then that this was the reason I was here, to experience the healing love of Christ. I had also brought along with me the book "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning and upon beginning to read it I discovered that I was also there to continue to work on trusting the Lord.

Among the paths that were scattered around the grounds there was a cross and I spent some time meditating up on it and upon the resons why I was there:

"I sit facing a cross that is across a meadow. A figure so familiar that it is easy for me to look past it, yet there is something that continually draws my eye to it. There is something beautiful about those two pieces of wood attached together by a simple rope. Something awe inspiring and wonderful. It is as if all the answers to all of life's mysteries could be found if I just looked upon that cross long enough.

I am staying in a hermitage named after St Therese of L'isieux. She is one of only 3 women saints and is the saint of healing. How ironic that I am in that place because I am in desperate need of healing. I think that's why I'm here, for healing. Healing from past hurts, healing from the sins of this world, healing from the burden of caring so deeply for people that I take their hurts upon myself as my own."

The Lord truly did meet me in that place. He showed favor and love upon me. At the end of my time I wasn't ready to walk back into the world. I wanted to stay in this place where it was just meand God. No schedules, no demands, no chances to let myself and others down. A place sacred and special to me and to Him. But He has not called me to hide. He has not called me to live my faith out under a rock. He has called me to be in the world. To love the world and it's people as He loves them. There will be moments where He draws me away and spends time with me alone, but more often He will be walking alongside me through the mud and the muck of this world. He will be working with me to extract the beauty that He has placed here in this life. And He will help me to turn my eyes upon Him and upon the purposes He has for me.

Thank you Lord for a beautiful and sacred time. Thank you for healing and for beginning anew. May I continue in this search for you. May I always be reminded that my purpose here is to bring you glory and to worship you alone.

The Silence Will Soon Surround Me

2007-09-23T11:37:00.000-05:00

I am headed off today on my first silent retreat. I am headed to a place called Pacem in Terris that is about an hour from Minneapolis for 2 days alone with God. I have been anxiously awaiting this time and now that it is here I am getting a little bit nervous. With no electricity, city noise, or friends/family I know the next couple days will be very quiet. Life feels a bit out of control right now and there seems to be more questions than answers so I am hoping that the quiet will seep into my heart and my mind and that I would find time to just sit with my Creator.

I keep asking myself what I hope to get out of this time and I want to say Answers...but if I am honest I just hope that I meet the Lord. I hope that I can soak in His presence and spend hours listening for His still small voice. I don't know what the next 2 days will hold but I know that I brought only my Bible, "Ruthless Trust," my journal and my art supplies to fill my time.

Lord, please meet me in these days. Jesus wrap me in your loving embrace and help the cares of the world to melt away as water melts away from a piece of ice sitting in the sun. Father I am going to seek your face and to delight in your beauty and presence. Lord I need you. I want you. Please come and meet with me in that place.

The Grandeur of God

2007-09-21T07:55:00.000-05:00

Valdez, Alaska April 2007

Creation screams of the grandeur of the Lord. I sense it in the rustling of the trees in the wind, the cry of a hawk in search of his lunch, the sky bursting forth with the colors of sunrise and sunset, the sense of peace I feel when I sit silent in a place devoid of human sounds and things. The creation is just one of the amazing works of our magnificent Creator. A God who reveals his love for his people through the painted skies of dusk and dawn.

Cedar Lake, Minneapolis, MN September 2007

Father thank you for the magnificence of your creation. Thank you for using your created things to wrap your arms of love, provision, and protection around us. May I never forget the gift that you have given in the creation of you kingdom.

Minnehaha Falls, Minneaspolis, MN September 2007

Not my will, but yours be done...

2007-08-07T12:41:00.001-05:00

During my devotional time today I read some very life-giving words and I wanted to pass them along. I am using the book "Spiritual Classics" edited by Richard Foster and Emilie Griffin for my devotions this summer. The one I was reading today was under the spiritual discipline of submission. Now when I first read the title submission I first thought of the submission that is talked about of women and all the political and theological debates and arguments that go with it. I was happy to be redirected and reminded that the discipline of submission is really talking about us submitting to the Lord.

Today the excerpt that I was reading was talking about holy obedience and was written by a man named Thomas R. Kelly from his work A Testament of Devotion. Because he has such great writing I am simply going to let his work speak for itself.

"In considering one gateway into this life of holy obedience, let us dare to venture together into the inner sanctuary of the soul, where God meets man in awful immediacy...
It is an overwhelming experience to fall into the hands of the living God, to be invaded to the depths of one's being by His presence, to be, without warning, wholly uprooted from all earth-born securities and assurances, and to be blown by a tempest of unbelievable power which leaves one's old proud self utterly, utterly defenseless, until one cries, " All Thy waves and thy billows are gone over me" (Ps 42:7). Then is the soul swept into a Loving Center of ineffable sweetness, where calm and unspeakable peace and ravishing joy steal over one...There stands the world of struggling, sinful, earth-blinded men and nations of plants and animals and wheeling stars of heaven, all new, all lapped in the tender, persuading Love at the Center... In one awful solemnity the Holy One is over all and in all, exquisitely loving, infinitely patient, tenderly smiling. Marks of glory are upon all things, and the marks are cruciform and blood-stained. And one sighs, like the convinced Thomas of old, " My Lord and my God" (John 20:28). Dare one lift one's eyes and look? Nay, whither can one look and not see Him? For field and stream and teeming streets are full of Him. Yet as Moses knew, no man can look on God and live-live as his old self. Death comes, blessed death, death of one's alienating will. And one knows what Paul meant when he wrote, "The life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God" (Gal 2:20).
One emerges from such soul-shaking, Love-invaded times into more normal states of consciousness. But one knows ever after that the Eternal Lover of the world, the Hound of Heaven, is utterly, utterly real, and that life must henceforth be forever determined by that Real...Self is emptied into God, and God in-fills it. In glad, amazed humility we cast on Him out little lives in trusting obedience, in erect serene, and smiling joy...For nothing else in all of heaven or earth counts as much as His will, His slightest wish, His faintest breathing. And holy obedience sets in...ready to run and not be weary, and to walk and not faint."

Lord, help me to love you with this kind of abandon. Abandon that says "not my will, but yours be done." Lord continue to conform my thoughts to yours. Continue to use your Word to be water to my soul. Help me to live in a state of prayer. May your love overflow from me in such a way that people would look at me and see not me, but you pouring out of me.

I took the plunge...

2007-08-05T15:27:00.000-05:00

I finally signed up for Facebook. After a summer of staff, students, and youth pastors urging me to do it I finally took the plunge today (kinda accidentally) and signed up. My page is pretty blank since I have no idea how to work it but hopefully I can get it jazzed up soon.

Anyone out there who could give me a tutorial?! :)

Peace

2007-07-31T14:46:00.000-05:00

Peace.

A word that conjures up images of secluded spaces with just the sounds of creation whispering in your ear.

Peace.

A place that is so often hard to find and disconcerting once you get there.

Peace.

A feeling like no other where it seems as if nothing and nobody can frustrate or stress you out.

Peace.

A feeling that overtakes your body when you are right where the Lord wants you to be, right when he wants you to be there.

Peace.

Lord may I never stray far from this place of absolute stillness and trust. This place of faith and hope. This place given to me by you.

Weekend in Wisconsin

2007-07-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

This weekend, for the first time ever in my 7 summers of YouthWorks, I had a couple good friends come to visit me. Danita and Lauren made the 5 hour trek from Minneapolis to Green Bay for a weekend of fun, fellowship, and Packer watching.

Being the huge Packer fan that she is, Danita had us visiting the stadium and taking in a practice.

We also found some time to head up to Door County to an amazing beach for some time to rest and relax in the sun.

I was blessed by their sacrifice to come and visit me! You ladies are great! Thanks for providing some refreshment and chance to play tourist in the midst of the summer.

Mackinac Island

2007-07-22T13:01:00.002-05:00

My Sault Ste Marie staff and I (plus one of Heather's friends-Jason) got the chance to visit Mackinac Island this weekend. What an amazing and gorgeous place it is! The Lord truly blessed that time by making the 7 hours we were there feel like an entire weekend. There are no motor vehicles allowed on the island and everyone gets around on foot, by bicycle, and by horse drawn carriage. After unbaording the ferry and taking a walk around town we rented some bikes and set off on a trek to circle the island.

The island is about 8 miles around and we took a leisurely ride, stopping at various points for some hiking and playing in the water.

The weather was gorgeous, the water was warm and all of us were wishing that we had worn our swimsuits so we could have taken advantage of it. After turning our rental bikes back in we went and grabbed some grub at a local burger joint. The place was pretty dead since it was about 3 in the afternoon and we made friends with the guys behind the counter who then gave us lots of extra food. We had a great time eating and fellowshipping together. It is amazing how carefree life seems when you aren't on a strict schedule.

The rest of our day was spent exploring all the tourist shops that line main street and a couple of the side streets. I included a couple pictures of some of our finds...

Yes, that's right...a toilet. We found this sitting by a tree outside somone's house. It was pretty funny.

We also found this great Fun House mirror at a store called "Cattywampus." This is Jacob checking himself out in it.

This is just an example of some of the crazy hats we found at some of the souvenier stores.

All in all, it was a great and relaxing day. We all felt refreshed and rejuvenated by the time away. Thanks Lord for that and for the beauty of your creation and your people.

Us on the ferry ride back to the mainland.

(Joe, Jacob, Heather, me, Kirby)

The sunset the Lord provided for the ride.

"And now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21

(you can see more pictures on my other blog. To get there go to my profile and click on Pictures By Me)

My Week in the Soo

2007-07-20T19:50:00.001-05:00

I was finally able to come and hang out with my staff in Sault Ste Marie, MI. It was a great week with great youth and adults as well as great times with my staff. Some highlights of the week were...

Arriving to this welcome sign in the place where my airmattress was to be placed...right in between Kirby and Heather...my favorite spot. Notice the 4 different types of Diet Coke lined up at the top. They are the best...and I may have gotten them all addicted to Diet Coke...oops!

Making homemade salsa and cookies with Heather...they were delish...notice my pizza shaped hat...I definitely wore it to Club one night.

Joe and Jacob sharing a licorice string...you never know what an evening staff meeting will bring.

One of my favorite youth from the week (although I had many "favorites" this week) Carmen and I sporting our killer tatoos, which were purchsed from the vending machine at the shower site.

Carmen is a sweet, spunky, no-nonsense girl from Little Rock, AR. She was great!

A close up of our tats (as we like to refer to them). My arm is the sea turtle and hers is the butterfly. Pretty tight if I do say so myself!

Thank you Lord for an amazing week with so many amazing youth and adults who loved on us and were a blast to hang out with. Thank you for the refreshment that it provided to me in the middle of the summer. Father please continue to grant us energy and enthusiasm to get through these last 3 weeks of the summer. May we be intentional to soak in the blessing that so many of these youth and adults are to us.

Oh the things you do at YouthWorks...

2007-07-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

When you sign up to work at YouthWorks you sign up for more than just the bulleted items on your job description...you sign up for all the jobs in the fine fine print...electrician, chef, conflict manager, nurse, and...plumber! Which is exactly what Heather (my SD in Sault Ste Marie) and I turned into yesterday.

We had been having drainage problems in our kitchen. Yesterday got especially bad when we came into the kitchen to find the floor covered with water. After some investigation, and some help from the janitor, we pulled the huge metal cover off the floor. Underneath was a large grease trap and one of the grossed things I have ever seen. In order to find the drainage problem we had to empty out this massive disgusting grease trap. The first layer of muck was approximately a 2 inch deep coagulated mass of grease (yummy) that looked like it had been sitting there since 1970...we then proceeded (with gloved hands) to scoop out the rest of the scum filled water. It looked like (sorry to gross you out) very horrible diarrhea. Thankfully it didn't start to smell too horrible until we got to the bottom. Then we had to concentrate on breathing out of our mouths in order not to puke.

I included a couple pictures to document the nastiness for your veiwing pleasure!

Praise the Lord for adventures like this that turn into great stories and memories!

P.S. we finally got the problem figured out (partially...at least enough to slow down the flooding in the kitchen) just a few minutes before our first group returned from the showers.

Oh the things you do at YouthWorks...

Fun Times in Branson

2007-07-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

Who knew Branson, MO could be a place I was excited to go. This past week I got to spend a little "vacation" with my fellow Mid- States AD's and RD down in the great state of Missouri. Some of our community contacts in St Louis allowed us to use their condo, free of charge, for a couple nights. What a blessing! It had an amazing view and beds that felt like you were sleeping on clouds! (This was the view from our balcony-Table Rock Lake)

We got to just hang out and relax in the midst of the craziness of the summer. We had good food (much of it made compliments of Zach's amazing wife, Ellen), shared some laughs, spent time processing the summer and praying together, and spent a day on a boat on Table Rock Lake.

Some of the highlights of the boat were: Diet Coke breaks, watching Jason and Zach compete for the best football grab while jumping off the boat, basking in the sun on the boat deck and in the water, cruisin through some of God's amazing creation.

We also got to play putt-putt. Heidi took home the trophy, much to the chagrin of the fellas! Apparently, Heid beats them at a lot of things down in the Birmingham office.

All in all an amazing time of rest, relaxation, rejuvenation and most importantly, fellowship with one another.

Thank you Lord for that amazing opportunity and for using it to refresh me.

Immeasurably More

2007-07-10T19:17:00.000-05:00

IMMEASURABLY MORE

2 little words with such big meaning. 2 little words that seem so selfish to ask for and yet ridiculous not to ask for

IMMEASURABLY MORE

What the Lord does and longs for us everyday. The Gospels are full of these words. A man who wants his sins healed walks away on new legs. A man on a road to Damascus trapped in hatred that he can't even see receives a transformed life and a prominent place in the Bible.

immeasurably more

2 words that, without thinking about, you can pass right over in Ephesians 3, not realizing the power that is contained within them. Words that speak of things you can't even fathom or believe to be true. Words that speak of blessing far beyond what we deserve as people who are fallen and depraved. Words that speak volumes about the intense, never ending, gracious love that the Lord has for his children.

Jesus, may I never stop believing that you can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine. This summer may you open my eyes (and the eyes of my staff) to these 2 small words. May we watch for you to do immeasurably more and when you do, may we give you all the praise and glory. "To Him be glory, in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:21

July 4th-YouthWorks Style!

2007-07-05T18:53:00.000-05:00

The 4th of July has come and gone. My Green Bay staff had a different kind of week this week. Instead of participants coming Sunday and leaving Friday they had participants come Sunday, leave Wednesday morning, and then another set come Wednesday night who will be leaving Saturday morning. Because of this interesting schedule we didn’t know if we would be able to catch any of the fireworks (since the nights when participants come is spent doing dinner, orientations, Club, and then church group time). Fortunately the parking lot of our housing site has a nice view of most of them so after we got through all the things that needed to happen that night we all gathered in the parking lot to watch the fireworks exploding over the trees. We were able to see most of them from that vantage point and it was an added bonus that we didn’t have to fight traffic to get home. The weather was perfect out and it was a nice treat to the end of a long day.

One of my staff said that watching the fireworks made her homesick. It made me pause a moment. After 7 years of doing this I have become very accustomed to either not seeing any fireworks, or to watching them with a group of about 70 people that I have just met. I forget that in "normal" life people are gathered with friends and family, usually for a whole day celebration, to celebrate the freedom that we have. My 4th of July friends and family have come to be my staff (my summer family) and the participants (new friends that we have met). How lucky I am each summer to welcome 16-24 new people into my "family" and each week during the summer 50-70 new people into my group of "friends." In a year or 2 I won't be doing this anymore (or maybe it will be 3-4 more...who knows!) and I will only be able to look back at all of the July 4ths that I spent all across the country...Rapid City, SD...Pine Ridge and Rosebud Indian Reservations, SD...Bayou la Batre, AL...Chattanooga, TN...Green Bay, WI...with fond memories. During the pause I thanked the Lord for His abundant blessings in the people and places I have encountered on the many July 4ths spent away from home.

(My roommates, who are the prayer partners to my Green Bay staff, sent some fun goodies to them in honor of the 4th so I included some pictures of us sporting the glow necklaces, the light up flag, and the Uncle Sam hat. Thanks ladies!)

(Picture 1(top row) Catherine (urban staff in Green Bay), me, and Aaron (program staff in Green Bay) and (bottome row) Arsenia (utility staff) and Karen (urban staff in Green Bay). The SD was nowhere to be found when we took the picture...sorry Noel! Picture 2 is me, Catherine, and Karen. Picture 3 is me sporting my American pride. We are all waering matching shirts because we had a new set of youth and adults come in that evening...it helps them to know who the staff are when we all match!)

Parker

2007-07-04T20:11:00.000-05:00

Parker...just the name of my sweet nephew brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. I got the amazing opportunity to have a short respite in the midst of a YouthWorks summer. One of those days was spent with this sweet little boy. A boy, who I am told, calls me almost daily from his toy cell phone and who immediately says my name when asked "Guess who is coming over?" or "Guess who is meeting us at grandma's house."

We took him to the park to play one evening so I just had to share this adorable shot of him at the top of the slide.

Looking at this picture I see the face of a little man...which is crazy because it feels like 6 months ago that we were visiting this month early baby in the hospital!

Thank you Lord for the gift of children and for the love and joy that they can bring!

Peace that surpasses ALL understanding

2007-06-25T15:05:00.001-05:00

In the 2 months prior to being back out in the field for the summer the question was posed to me by various people "How are you feeling about going back out?" The only answer I could give them was that I was peaceful.

And this feeling has continued into this, the 4th week of the summer. I feel peaceful. Of course there are moments of joy and moments of feeling overwhelmed, moments of tiredness and moments frustration, but at the end of the day, and what I feel sitting here right now, is peace.

(Wildlife Refuge Green Bay, WI)

I've decided that it is good to feel this way. Peace means I am right where God wants me to be. Peace means that he truly is the one who has led me back into the thick of another summer. And peace means that I can be assured that he is taking care of the details and the issues and all I have to do is keep listening for his voice and direction and keep walking along this path that he has chosen and everything will be alright.

Thank you Lord for peace...peace that surpasses any understanding I have. I look forward to what you are going to do in me and reaveal to me this summer as we walk this YouthWorks journey together.

Whitey's Ice Cream-A Tasty treat!

2007-06-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

My site in the Quad Cities of Iowa and Illinoins get to go to a local ice cream parlor for part of an evening activity. It is great stuff! And usually a wonderful treat after the hot summer days of the Quad Cities(who knew Iowa would be so hot!!).

(Me, Jordy-one of my staff, and Ethan-a youth participant indulging in a little Whitey's yumminess!)

(my other 3 Quad Cities staff-Alex, Leslee, and Richelle-with their own tasty treats!)

Another YouthWorks Summer is Underway!

2007-06-18T14:22:00.000-05:00

Youthworks! summer number 7 has started. This summer I am overseeing sites in Michigan (Sault Ste Marie), Wisconsin (Green Bay and Milwaukee) and Illinois/Iowa (Quad Cities-Moline, Davenport, Rock Island, and Bettendorf). We have just started week 3 and so far things have been buzzing along. This week my fourth site got up and running and that means that staff are now in full swing. Already God has been challenging and growing my staff. He has been revealing things in them like pride and the need for control. He's been showing them that this job is so much bigger than anything they can do on their own and that He is readay to jump in and do IMMEASURABLY MORE (Ephesians 3:20-21...it's our theme verse for the summer)if all they would do is ask and jump out of the way. My hopes for them this summer include things like growing more in love with the Lord, having hearts that are ready to jump in and serve those around them, and a hunger to dig more deeply into the Word. Of course I hope they run great YouthWorks sites but I know that if the Lord is their number 1 priority, all the rest should fall into place.

For those of you that check this, you know that I am not the best at updating it. One of my goals for myself this summer however is to use this more often to share stories about the summer and thoughts about life and the Lord. Hopefully I will be able to write at least once a week.

So much of the summer thus far has included things like making posters and signs to decorate and give direction to our participants, cleaning and preparing sleeping rooms/Club rooms?kitchens/bathrooms/etc. Things that are necesary but things that can get tedious. We all get nervous and excited for that first group to arrive and for all our hard work and planning to be put into play. After about 29380372 posters have been hung, 75 bowls/plates/cups/knives/spoons/forks have been washed, $1200 worth of groceries have been bought and put away, orientations have been practiced, and schedules have been worked out, it is time to greet our groups.

Groups who come for all different places and walks of life. Groups who have been on 35 mission trips and groups who have never ventured more than 30 miles from their front door. Groups who come ready and willing to jump in and do whatever and groups who wonder from thw moment they pull up "what are we doing here." Groups who can be really easy to work with and groups who will test every ounce of patience that you have and even some ounces you didn't know were in there. Groups who, week after week, experience the life-changing power that comes from offering ourselves to the Lord through work in various communities.

I have noticed through the last 7 years that my energy level has dropped significantly and that keeping the schedule of a YouthWorks staffer is a lot harder now, but what keeps me coming back is watching the Lord become so big in the summer. Watching the Lord change the hearts of 50 year old adults and 14 year old youth. Watching the lives that are blessed in our communities through the service that teenagers and adults do. Watching the Lord break down stereotypes and open eyes to see the injustice that permeates our world. Watching myself and my staff be broken and made more into the image and likeness of Jesus. And it is for these things that I keep coming back.

It is an incredible and sometimes scary journey that you are taken on in these 2.5 months. I think this next picture, which was taken outside of our housing site in Green Bay, says it all...

It rocks...the lives of youth...adults...communities...and staff!

Painting for a Friend

2007-01-25T08:18:00.000-06:00

I was honored and blessed to be commissioned for my first "real" piece of art work. I was asked to make a piece for a friend of mine who was being commissioned into ministry. The piece is based on Psalm 51 and in particular verse 10: "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

The words around the heart say "Create in me."

The words around the person say "Renew a steadfast." The person represented is my friend-raising his hands to give his heart to the Lord, as well as to take delight in the Lord.

The yellow in the figure represents the Lord holding and enfolding my friend.

The blue of the sky, the way the colors move and dance throughout the painting represent the Spirit of the Lord. The blue "wave" wrapping around the figure is the Spirit enfolding my friend.

As we cry out to the Lord, He will hear us and have mercy and compassion on us.

The phrases "hidden" throughout are things that he has prayed and asked the Lord for. They are things we should all be praying and asking the Lord for because they are things that only He can do for us.

Lord, thank you for this opportunity to use something that I love to bless one of your beloved and to bring glory to your name.

Christmas is in the Air

2007-01-11T17:40:00.000-06:00

Preschool

2007-01-11T17:16:00.000-06:00

Preschool Christmas!

2007-01-11T16:54:00.000-06:00

As many of you know I work with the preschoolers at my church on Wednesday nights. Those sweet children continually bring joy to my soul! If you ever feel bad about yourself, go and hang out wiht children under the age of 4 and you will leave feeling like the greatest person alive!

The week before Christmas we decorated Christmas cookies so I wanted to share some pictures from that time...

Nelson enjoying his cookie

Ajoni skipping the cookie and going

straight for the frosting!

Mariama trying to get the frosting out of the cup. She did pretty good for a 2 year old! And she is one of the most adorable little girls you will ever meet.

Christmas Time...

2006-12-27T18:01:00.000-06:00

Christmas 2006

Here is a shot of me and my adorable nephew, Parker. It's hard to believe that the little baby is now a toddler!

Parker got into opening presents more this year than last...although he did take about 20 minutes to open one package because he thought he had to get every little scrap of paper off! It was pretty funny to watch!

This is one of my favorite shots from the weekend. Parker on my shoulders, and his favorite puppy on his!

Thanks Lord for the blessing of this sweet boy. Please grow him to be a boy who loves and serves you with his whole heart!

Patience...the Never Ending Theme to My Life

2006-11-20T10:29:00.000-06:00

Ah, patience. The one word that has been a theme of my life.

“Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we stand grow into strong plants." -Henri Nouwen

How hard yet how true are these words. Sometimes it seems as if life would be easier if we could turn off emotion and just ride out the storm, but I don’t think that is what the Lord wants us to do. I think He wants us to taste the suffering as well as the sweetness that life throws at us. To embrace the hard times knowing that sometimes the Lord uses fire to refine us and make us shine more brightly like Him, to make us to reflect more and more his beauty.

Lord, help me to remember these words when in the midst of suffering and in the midst of patient waiting that seems like it will never end.

Open House Extravaganza

2006-11-02T17:10:00.000-06:00

October 28th was the date of our Open House to celebrate the fact that Danita and I are now proud "new" home owners! It's crazy to think that the house that we have lived in for the last 3 years is now ours-ours to remodel, ours to repaint, ours to fix. It was almost like a right of passage, a stepping more solidly into the world of adulthood. There is no more fooling ourselves that we are still "kids" who have just gotten out of college.

We had stations that
The party was a blast! We had over 100 people show up to give us their support of our new endeavor and a whole bunch more that expressed to us that they wish they could have been there but weren't! I was blown away to say the least! We definitely don't deserve such amazing and seemingly countless people in our lives. I often get overwhelmed by the number of people I try to keep up with and then I have to stop and check myself to remember that not everyone is blessed with too many friends to see, or too many great opportunities to be involved in. There is no way that we deserve these blessings and yet the Lord has so grciously poured them out on us.

I have attached a few picts for the friends far away so that they can get a little taste of the Open House.

We had stations that people could visit that included a guest book where people could sign their names and take a picture, picking paint-we want to paint a couple rooms and asked people to cast their votes for color choices, the art station-we love to do art so we set up a place for people to try their hand at using oil pastels, gobs of food, and a clay and tile station-where people could decorate a tile with clay that we may or may not use to decorate! I think that people had fun with the activities and it gave the kids something to do.

Up above, 2 of my cousins are trying out the oil pastels! I think they made about 12 pictures each! And my friends Jess and Derek making some tiles! They are naturals with the clay!

Overall, I think people had a really good time. I know that we did. We even had one girl tell us that this was the best party that she had ever been to, so we were pleased!

Eye Candy

2006-10-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

Fall is one of my most favorite seasons. Vibrant colors leaping out at you from every tree and bush. Swirling together in a type of rainbow that seems to glow and jump right out at you. Being a very visual person, the vibrancy of these colors are like candy to my eyes. I spent some time down by the Mississippi River one afternoon taking some pictures of the area and I wanted to share them with you.

Some flowers that look like they belong to the spring. They were just tiny and delicate.

I love the way the colors bleed from green to orange to red. Each leaf filled with every imaginable blend of color, no two the same.

Thanks Lord for candy for my eyes. For showing your love and your beauty through the magnificence of your creation!

Standing Firm

2006-08-02T20:51:00.000-05:00

As my family continues to be in the midst of falling apart I have found myself often in a place of struggling to trust the Lord. Struggling to trust in His goodness. Struggling to trust that He actually cares and responds to the prayers and petitions of His children. Struggling to believe that should the marriage of my parents end in divorce that my God would still be good. That He would still love me and care for me and be faithful to me as much as He has been in the past.

Marriage is meant to be a covenant that 2 people make before the Lord. A covenant that is binding and a covenant that should not be broken lightly. Why is it then that it seems as though God doesn't fight harder for that covenant? Why is it then that so many marriages have crumbled down around me? I am left standing amidst the ruins asking "Where is God now? Why doesn't He care for His children? Why doesn't He fight harder on their behalf for this covenant that was made before Him?" I have wondered for the last 6 or so months what a divorce between my parents would do for my faith. A few months ago when there was talk of it I became angry. I knew that if it should happen that my faith would be rocked-that my faith, already on the brink of collapse, would crumble and I would walk away. I would throw up my hands in despair and in anger at the God who would let something as sacred as marriage fall down broken before Him. In those moments I wanted to give up. Give up on hope, give up on trusting that the Lord and Father I had followed for so long was good and that He cared about the pain that His children were going through. I began to shut down and withdraw into myself. I closed down my heart and my mind because I felt like I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't care anymore. I couldn't hope anymore. It was too hard and it hurt too much. And I felt like my prayers, my cries, my pleas were falling on deaf ears.

Thankfully, I do have a God who is good. I do have a God who hurts when His people hurt. A God who longs just as much as I do for the covenant made before Him to not be broken. I often wonder why a God, who knows the depths of our souls and of our depravity, would choose to give His children free-will. Why He would choose to give His Beloved choices that will make them hurt. I wondered why I ached and prayed and longed so much for a marriage to be healed that was headed nowhere but towards and end. Couldn't I just accept it and move on? Move on toward the healing. Move on toward picking up the pieces of a broken family. But God hasn't let me. He hasn't given me a peace that this is what it is supposed to be. He hasn't given me relief from crying out day and night for my family to be made whole. For my family to taste His sweetness. For my parents to experience a marriage like the Lord created marriage for.

I don't know what is going to happen but I have learned that no matter what the end looks like, I DO have a God who loves me. I DO have a God who is crying because of the pain that I see on the faces of my parents. I DO have a God who wants to be good to His children, a God who loves and adores His children, a God who longs for us to crawl up into His lap to cry, to petition, to pray, to listen. I will fight to have hope in an end that doesn't include the words divorce and broken family. I will fight to believe in a God who can do immeasuarbly more than anything we could ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). An end that includes tasting the Lord's sweetness that much more because of the junk and pain and suffering that had to be waded through to get there. Because I have a God through whom nothing is impossible and all things are possible (Mark 10:27). A God who delights in showing up in ways we would never dream or expect.

"I will declare that Your love stands firm forever, that You established Your faithfulness in heaven itself."
Psalm 89:2

Tattered, Torn, Wrecked but in the end GOOD

2006-07-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

"Here I am in my fifth YouthWorks summer, and nothing has been easy, mostly because of how often I have been confronted with my own sin and messiness. My impatience with imperfect people has distanced me from some of my staff. Selfishness has led me to fight every step of the way when things weren’t going my way – whether that means arguing with my boss or getting mad at God. Disobedience has made me resist the steps that God would have me take, and He’s had to drag me down the narrow road kicking and screaming at times. Laziness has made me complacent about spending time praying and reading God’s word. All of this has come together to make me crabby, emotional, irritable, and a generally not-nice person. I feel like this summer has brought out the worst in me, and I am wearing my sin like a dingy white t-shirt."

-Jenilyn

Wow! Thank you to my dear friend Jenilyn for putting words to my 5th YouthWorks summer. Last year(summer 05) was my fifth and by far the hardest summer personally/spiritually/emotionally yet! I left the summer feeling like I was thrown into a massive messed up heap on the floor with only the Love and Care of my Father able to pick me up and make me whole. I felt battered and beaten so often last summer that I just expected the blows to come. Blows of my selfishness, blows from my pride, blows from my faults so filling my vision that nothing else could be seen. And just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, another attack would come from the other side...totally taking me off guard.

The amazing thing is that I made it through the summer with my faith intact, barely. But God was there. He was there amidst my junk, my weakness, my ugliness. He was there with arms wide open ready to bring me back in, dust me off, glue back together the pieces of my shattered life to make me beautiful, to make me His Beloved.

I would pay to not have to go back to that place, but I am so grateful because I was able to leave that summer saying "My God is good. I am wrecked, but my God is good. I am shattered on the floor, tired, exhausted, weary, hurting, but my God is good."

Praise the Lord that He is a GOOD God. A God who loves His children so much that He allows them to be put through the fire (hot, intense, thick fire) only to come out on the other side reflecting more and more HIS beautiful image. Oh that I would rejoice in my sufferings because I know that in the end they are good.

sisters becoming friends

2006-07-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

today i am thinking a lot about my sisters. siblings are funny things. one moment you love them and would do anything for them and the next you want them to go away, never to return. because of the age gaps (4 years between me and one, and 6 years between me and the other) and because of our temperaments, i would usually get along with the baby of the family while me and the middle child would be at each others throats. sure we would have our moments of piece and goodwill toward one another but more often i think my mom would have liked to lock us in separate rooms where we couldn't beegging the other on to anger and frustration. me and the youngest, on the other hand, because there was such an age gap, usually got along great. she was my little sister. i took her under my wing. i showed her off to my friends. when i was in 6th grade and her kindergarten class was next door to mine, i made sure she got there ok and even brought her in to hang out with the "big kids" from time to time.

the cool thing is that as we have grown older the age gap has seemed to become smaller and smaller. my sisters are turning into my confidants and friends. i miss them when i don't get to see them very often. i have spent much money on gas to go and visit for a day because i know it is worth it. it excites me to think how far we have come-from being people forced to share space, breathing air and toys, to people who plan time to be together, to people who call one another to lean on, to people who enjoy spending time together. oh, we still have those moments of frustration and anger towards one another but it's ok because i know my sisters love me. and i know that no matter what happens that they will stick by me, faults, obnoxious habits, and all!

Ezekiel and Me

2006-07-02T20:32:00.000-05:00

"Then I looked, and I saw a hand stretched out to me. In it was a scroll, which he unrolled before me. On both sides of it were written words of lament and mourning and woe. And he said to me, "Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the house of Israel." So I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat...then he said to me; "Son of man, go now to the house of Israel and speak my words to them. You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and difficult language...whose words you cannot understand. Surely if I had sent you to them, they would have listened to you. But the whole house of Israel is not willing to listen to you because they were not willing to listen to me, for the whole house of Israel is hardened and obstinate."
Ezekiel 2:9-3:7

I read this passage a few days ago and it continues to strike me as I think about it even now. It makes me think of missionaries, the people that we so often to send to far away lands to "people of obscure speech and difficult language," and how hard it is to be a missionary right here in the US, in a place that is full of a language and a people that we understand for the most part. Why is it still true today, as it was so many years ago, that people are more willing to listen when you are from a country and a life that is not like their own.

It makes me think of YouthWorks and the many teens, adults and communities that we work with. So often youth and adults who come to our sites from similar places as us have a hard time hearing. They have a hard time getting past the fact that we are similar to them. That we speak in the same tonal sounds as them. That our accent is similar to theirs. That we use the same lingo and jargon. And because of this they have a hard time hearing and believing the words we are speaking to them about the Lord...about cooking in the kitchen...about driving directions to ministry sites.

It also makes me think of myself. How often have I not listened to someone because they were not of "obscure and difficult speech," because they were younger than me or older than me or not as mature as me or whatever excuse I happen to come up with as a reason not to open my ears to hear from them? And how often do I do that to God? How often am I like an Israelite with a hardened and obstinate heart? How often have I thought that my limited view and knowledge of something was correct and unchangeable? And when I recognize myself doing that how do I turn around and soften my hardened heart?

This passage also gives me hope. Hope in the fact that I have a Father who gives me the wisdom and the words to say when I am the one who is sent to speak to people. Hope that I am not drifting alone out in a sea of uncertainty and doubt. Hope that He won't leave me nor forsake me. Hope that despite the wretched one that I am alone, God can use me to push people into his arms. God can use me to speak hope, love, truth, and challenge. God can place the words in my mouth to utter and to proclaim loudly to His people. Not because I am worthy or brilliant or have all the answers, but because He can take this piece of clay and turn it into a beautiful creation.

Oh spirit, rejoice that you are not alone!
Oh body, revel in the fact that you were created beautiful in His eyes and in His image!
Oh tongue, take heart that good can come forth from you!
And mind, be at peace knowing you don't have to know all the answers or see all the outcomes.

Worlds Apart

2006-06-29T18:06:00.000-05:00

Worlds Apart, by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love, To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tear Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray, To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart

Worlds Apart.

how i love the lyrics to this song! this is a song that almost speaks to who i am and who i want to be. i want the Lord to take my world apart. i want the Lord to reveal all the junk and ugliness inside of me. so often i cry out to the Lord to take me apart. to show up in my life. to wash me clean of the junk that suddenly takes over and tries to choke me.

why did He have to die for me? why does he love me when i can barely love myself? why do i simply need to fall into the arms of grace when i am a wretched and broken person!

Parker!

2006-06-29T17:54:00.000-05:00

Although I have yet to be blessed with a man I can grow old and live this journey with, God has blessed me an incredible little man whom I adore! My nephew Parker continually brings joy and laughter into my life.

Parker is 20 months old and has just recently been trying to day my name. Although, it really doesn't sound anything like Kari, just hearing him try melts my heart everytime!

I have been so so blessed that the Lord has placed this young man in my life! I continue to pray that he would grow up to be a man who runs after and loves the Lord!

Open My Eyes!

2006-06-22T21:50:00.000-05:00

So apparently I am not very good at this blog thing...Although as my dear friend Anita knows I only signed up for it so I could post comments on her blog.

But anyway, I thought that I should try to begin. My life really has been a journey lately. Literally as well as spiritually and emotionally. I had the priviledge of doing a bunch of travel for work this past month, something I swore off when I took this new job last fall, and it has been great. It was an amazing reminder to be out on mission sites seeing the lives of youth and adults change, watching staff be stretched and challenged and knowing that God is going to do great things in their lives this summer. It made me miss being a more hands-on part of the action. Out in the field getting dirty working on little sleep and being pushed pulled and prodded on every side. I know that I made the right decision staying at home this summer and working out of the office but I have once again been crying out to the Lord and asking Him to show me why He has me here.

"Open your eyes" is the YouthWorks theme this summer and I have been asking God to do just that for me. I have asked Him to open my eyes to whatever it is that He wants me to see. Right now my eyes are being opened to the fact that I have a God who loves me in spite of everything I am and do, and that I have a God who wants nothing more from me than for me to crawl up into His lap to be loved by him. I marvel that by me falling in love with and taking time to be with God I can be changed and made beautiful. How did I ever deserve such a gift? How am I worthy of a love like this? Why did my Jesus have to and choose to die so that I could be with Him forever...despite the fact that day after day I fall down?

I have no idea how God is going to open my eyes this summer...but I am waiting in anticipation to see that which I know He will do: amaze me, love me, take care of me, wrap His loving arms around me.

"...but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:18, 19

Lord, may I be someone who is worthy of your delight!

2006-01-30T17:36:00.000-06:00

Ah a blog. A place where someone can get out of themselves all the random thougths and musings they possess. A place to voice frustrations, anxietys, joys, journeys, and receipes. A place that coule be for some, a diary out in cyberspace. Now the question is...what should I use my blog for?