A Time of Sacrifice

This post is a collection of all the random thoughts that are floating around in my head as of late:

It's crazy to think that Lent is already upon us. The Christmas season with it's hustle and bustle is a semi-distant memory. January, which turned out to be just as, if not more, busy than December seems like it only ended yesterday and yet March is staring us dead in the eye.

Lent starts tomorrow. Tomorrow I begin a journey that will last 40 days and which will culminate with the celebration of Christ's resurrection. I have decided this year to incorporate fasting into my sacrificial giving up. Fasting to petition the Lord. Fasting to cry out for a word. Fasting to draw me nearer to the heart of God. Fasting to ask for a gift.

As I think about this time I reflect on the current state of my life. Hungry but not satisfied. Longing but unable to seek. A place that wants to be hopeful but a place that more often feels pushed down and held back. I am struggling. Struggling to put God first, struggling to love Him with my whole being, struggling to connect intimately with my Creator, struggling to trust in his goodness in the midst of waiting. There is a hunger inside of me that keeps calling out, keeps asking to be filled. I am scared that as I keep ignoring it that it will become less and less, but that doesn't seem to be the case. In fact, the opposite is true. It seems to be growing bigger and bigger, not allowing me to forget it's existence. It's always there, calling out to me, urging me to come, but when when I do, when I make time, I run up against a brick wall. I don't know what this brick wall is or why it continues to hold me back. It's frustrating. I miss Jesus. I miss sweet fellowship. I miss growth and change. I miss steps made toward my God.

I'm seeking answers to things that have long gone unfulfilled. There are moments where I ask "is this worth it? do i really want to live this christian life?" I am being pushed to a place of trust that is scary and hard. All these may be my walls. Things that hold me back. Ways I am held at bay.

Why can't I break free? Why can't I be totally content just being loved by Jesus? Why do I long for more and more? Why are you silent God? Why can't I get back to that place of sweet fellowship?

i miss you.

i need you.

please hear my cry through sacrifice.

draw me near.

The Long-Awaited Update!

After many months I am finally tackling the impossible, updating my blog! Since I haven't updated in about 5 months I will give a brief update about each month.

July

July started after I finished my triathlon. Here are a few pictures of the event:




























The rest of July was spent enjoying the summer-hanging out outside, going to my cousin's wedding, spending time on the lake. I also participated in my first ever mud volleyball tournament. It was a blast!!
















August

August was a bit of a whirlwind at first with the end of the YouthWorks summer. I got to help out at the Minneapolis Exit RAMP, which allowed me to spend more time with some of the staff I had gotten to know over the summer. It was also spent trying to figure out my next steps career-wise. After interviewing and agonizing and looking for new jobs for weeks I accepted a position in the Training Department at YouthWorks. It is a 30 hour position (with benefits, thanks Lord!) so I have been doing some other odd jobs to supplement my income.

The MN State Fair was also a highlight of the month and some friends and I biked there from our house. It was a great time, walking around and sampling all the traditional fare that comes with the great MN get together.















September

September started out with a Labor Day weekend trip to NE WI. We went to stay at the cabin of a friend and then spent a day on Madeline Island. It was a great way to end the summer and bring in the fall.





















After 3 years of thinking about going back to school and pursuing graphic design I signed up for a course at the Minneapolis Community and Technical College. I took a class called Intro to Graphic Software and absolutely loved it! It was fun to be back in the college setting and to be pursuing something that I love. It was a bit hard to get back into the homework mode but for the most part I loved it all.

September was also the month where I moved into a new decade-30. To celebrate my roommate Danita decided that it was going to be a month of 30 days of 30 and celebrated my birthday every single day. I felt so loved and cared for by all the people who participated and I was also astounded by how much my friend knew me. It made turning 30 a whole lot easier. Some of the highlights included a birthday scavenger hunt, delicious treats delivered to work by many different friends, a weekend trip to Duluth, fun excursions around Minneapolis and the best gift, a scrapbook of my time in the Twin Cities. Almost daily I was left speechless by the love that surrounds me here.





















October

October included many fall type things-trips to the apple orchard, a cabin in WI, celebrating the birthday of one of our roommates, and seeing my nephew in his Halloween parade. It was also the month that I started my new position at YouthWorks. It was great to finally be working in that department and with the other 2 ladies on my team. I love the new position and am excited to go to work everyday.





















November

When November hit my nephew turned 4 and I was struck by how much he is resembling a little boy now instead of a toddler. In another couple years he will be in school, which is really crazy to think about.
















We also hosted our first ever Crock-Pot Cook-Off at our house About 30 people came over with crock-pots in tow. There was a lot of great food and conversation. We are already looking forward to next year's cook-off.












November was also the month that we had to put my grandpa Smith in the nursing home. Since I was born when he was in his 50's, it has been hard to watch him grow older. About 2 years ago he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and we are finally starting to see some of the effects from that. We went to visit him in he nursing home at Thanksgiving and it was really hard to see him break down and cry multiple times. I havemany fond memories of him over the years and I am sad to think that the end may be near for him.

December

December came in with a burst of Christmas music and signs of the season all around (well, actually November came in with Christmas displays being put up in all the stores). I love this time of year so it was fun to have holiday music, lights, and decorations making their appearance on lawns all over. December has also brought with it mountains of snow and cold making it one of the coldest and snowiest December's we have had for a long time. This year, more so than any other, I have had a hard time embracing winter and I often find myself wishing I were living somewhere a little south of here. Maybe that means my time in MN is coming to an end, who knows. But for now, I am trying to have a better attitude about driving on icy roads while being very bundled up. Thankfully, all the Christmas signs and happenings helped to make it a little easier.

Triathlon...I Finished!

As many of you know, I competed in my first ever triathlon on June 29 in Rochester, MN. The triathlon consisted of a 1/4 mile swim, a 10.2 mile bike, and a 3.2 mile run. The training was hard and took a lot of mental determination to complete but it got me through the race. My goal was 1. to finish and 2. to run the entire last portion. I accomplished both of my goals. I finished the race in 1 hour and 40 minutes, not the fastest time on the planet but I ran the entire 3.2 miles! A great accomplishment considering that back in January I couldn't even run 1 mile without my asthma kicking in. 

(internet is super slow tonight so I'll add some pictures later!)

Thanks Lord for the strength and stamina to finish this race and to complete this goal! 

The Joys of Starting

I got to spend 2 weeks this summer as a YouthWorks Starter. What that means is that I travel to one of our mission sites for a week to help the staff get up and running. I am an extra set of hands as well as a voice of experience to help them run a successful first week for our participants. 

My first starting adventure took me to Sisseton, SD. A small town on the South Dakota/Minnesota border. I drove there from the Twin Cities and after my 4 hour car ride was grateful to find an incredible and caring staff at the other end. One of them had seen YouthWorks before as a high school youth; other than that they were greener than green to the YouthWorks world.  They were amazing though and did a great job. When Friday came I didn't want to go and they didn't want me to leave. We all put off my departure as long as possible and even tried to brainstorm a few ways that I could stay with them. After being there for a week (and immediately jumping back into Area Director mode-I have done that job for the last 5 years so it was easy to slip into) I began to see all the ways I was hoping that they would be grown and stretched this summer-in their faith, as well as individually. It was a sad realization to face that I wouldn't be getting that chance personally but would have to suffice with updates from their Area Director as well as random phone calls to them throughout the summer. I loved my time at Lake Traverse and was sad to leave. 

Me and the Site Director for Lake Traverse, Mandy

we're looking pretty good for being sleep deprived and unshowered!

Next I headed up to Sault Ste Marie, MI (which is on the Upper Peninsula right next to Canada), which was a site I had been Area Director for the year before. I was excited to head back to a familiar place but I was still missing the Lake Traverse team and was a little bit nervous to be meeting a new set of staff. Upon my arrival I found 4 very laid back people who seemed to have a lot of problems taking initiative and making decisions. I didn't seem to connect with them as quickly or as naturally as I had with the Lake Traverse team and I was afraid that I was in for a very long and very hard week. I have rarely been more grateful to say that I was wrong. While the staff was still pretty laid back and somewhat quiet, they jumped in and did a great job. I ended up having a blast with them, especially the Site Director who is somewhat of an absurd quirky but really quality guy. By Thursday night I couldn't think about going home because I wanted to break into tears. I hate good-byes in the first place and now I was saying good-bye to the second set of great staff that I had just begun to get to know. As with Lake Traverse, I saw areas in each of their lives that I hoped they would grow in this summer. The whole plane trip home (all 4 airports of it), I tried not to think about the fact that I was 1. done being out for the summer and would have to go back to the office and sit behind a desk (being on site reminded me how much I love what I do and about why I do it) and 2. that I was leaving 4 people that I really wanted to spend more time with (not to mention the 4 from Lake Traverse whom I was already missing).  I felt so blessed by the 2 weeks I got to be out in communities working with youth and adults. It was an amazingly refreshing and uplifting time, despite how tired I was upon returning home.It is such an amazing feeling to put your faith into action and to be filled with so much purpose. 

The Sault Ste Marie Staff-Ross, Reuben-the Site Director, Erin, & Shannon at Iriqouis lighthouse on Lake Superior. We went there for a little sight seeing/quiet time fun! Notice the sweatshirts-despite being the end of June it was a bit chilly out there. I was wearing jeans,  a long sleeve shirt, a light fleece jacket and a hat! 

Me with the staff at our Thursday night evening activity-going to the home of on of our community friends who lives on Lake Superior for swimming (or a polar dip), kayaking, and bonfire fun. Again, we are freezing so we are in our warm clothes! 

All in all I loved starting and it has been fun to continue to keep up with the staff in those 2 places. I regularly get text messages from each place asking when I can come back and the Site Director in Sault Ste Marie has even added me to his weekly e-mail updates he sends to friends and family back home. 

Happy Birthday America!

This is the first 4th of July that I have ever had in Minneapolis. For the last 8 years I have celebrated the 4th in some random town with summer staff and YouthWorks participants.  It was weird to think that when I got done with work at 4:00 (yes, we had to work today, but we get lots of other days off during the year to make up for it and we got to have a huge picnic which was fun) I had the entire evening free. I didn't have to worry about finishing up Club and figuring out how to get participants to and from the fireworks as well as getting them to bed at a decent hour. Instead I took a short nap and then headed over to some friends house for a BBQ. It was the perfect evening. We sat and chilled in the backyard. The sun was shining, it was warm (but not too warm), the food was delicious and we lounged around for about 3 hours eating and watching the kids play in the pool. It was exactly what I needed. Then me and 2 friends walked to a nearby park to watch the fireworks. I can home feeling really relaxed and thankful for such a great evening. 

Father thank you for great friends and relaxing evenings. Thank you for the perfect weather and the chance to be outside celebrating this nation with all the different people that live in my neighborhood. Thank you for providing in ways that I didn't even know I needed. 

(P.S. I know I haven't written anything about my month of June-starting 2 YouthWorks sites and doing a triathlon. Keep checking back, those things are next on my list to post about! )