Tattered, Torn, Wrecked but in the end GOOD

"Here I am in my fifth YouthWorks summer, and nothing has been easy, mostly because of how often I have been confronted with my own sin and messiness. My impatience with imperfect people has distanced me from some of my staff. Selfishness has led me to fight every step of the way when things weren’t going my way – whether that means arguing with my boss or getting mad at God. Disobedience has made me resist the steps that God would have me take, and He’s had to drag me down the narrow road kicking and screaming at times. Laziness has made me complacent about spending time praying and reading God’s word. All of this has come together to make me crabby, emotional, irritable, and a generally not-nice person. I feel like this summer has brought out the worst in me, and I am wearing my sin like a dingy white t-shirt."

-Jenilyn

Wow! Thank you to my dear friend Jenilyn for putting words to my 5th YouthWorks summer. Last year(summer 05) was my fifth and by far the hardest summer personally/spiritually/emotionally yet! I left the summer feeling like I was thrown into a massive messed up heap on the floor with only the Love and Care of my Father able to pick me up and make me whole. I felt battered and beaten so often last summer that I just expected the blows to come. Blows of my selfishness, blows from my pride, blows from my faults so filling my vision that nothing else could be seen. And just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, another attack would come from the other side...totally taking me off guard.

The amazing thing is that I made it through the summer with my faith intact, barely. But God was there. He was there amidst my junk, my weakness, my ugliness. He was there with arms wide open ready to bring me back in, dust me off, glue back together the pieces of my shattered life to make me beautiful, to make me His Beloved.

I would pay to not have to go back to that place, but I am so grateful because I was able to leave that summer saying "My God is good. I am wrecked, but my God is good. I am shattered on the floor, tired, exhausted, weary, hurting, but my God is good."

Praise the Lord that He is a GOOD God. A God who loves His children so much that He allows them to be put through the fire (hot, intense, thick fire) only to come out on the other side reflecting more and more HIS beautiful image. Oh that I would rejoice in my sufferings because I know that in the end they are good.

sisters becoming friends

today i am thinking a lot about my sisters. siblings are funny things. one moment you love them and would do anything for them and the next you want them to go away, never to return. because of the age gaps (4 years between me and one, and 6 years between me and the other) and because of our temperaments, i would usually get along with the baby of the family while me and the middle child would be at each others throats. sure we would have our moments of piece and goodwill toward one another but more often i think my mom would have liked to lock us in separate rooms where we couldn't beegging the other on to anger and frustration. me and the youngest, on the other hand, because there was such an age gap, usually got along great. she was my little sister. i took her under my wing. i showed her off to my friends. when i was in 6th grade and her kindergarten class was next door to mine, i made sure she got there ok and even brought her in to hang out with the "big kids" from time to time.

the cool thing is that as we have grown older the age gap has seemed to become smaller and smaller. my sisters are turning into my confidants and friends. i miss them when i don't get to see them very often. i have spent much money on gas to go and visit for a day because i know it is worth it. it excites me to think how far we have come-from being people forced to share space, breathing air and toys, to people who plan time to be together, to people who call one another to lean on, to people who enjoy spending time together. oh, we still have those moments of frustration and anger towards one another but it's ok because i know my sisters love me. and i know that no matter what happens that they will stick by me, faults, obnoxious habits, and all!

Ezekiel and Me

"Then I looked, and I saw a hand stretched out to me. In it was a scroll, which he unrolled before me. On both sides of it were written words of lament and mourning and woe. And he said to me, "Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the house of Israel." So I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat...then he said to me; "Son of man, go now to the house of Israel and speak my words to them. You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and difficult language...whose words you cannot understand. Surely if I had sent you to them, they would have listened to you. But the whole house of Israel is not willing to listen to you because they were not willing to listen to me, for the whole house of Israel is hardened and obstinate."
Ezekiel 2:9-3:7

I read this passage a few days ago and it continues to strike me as I think about it even now. It makes me think of missionaries, the people that we so often to send to far away lands to "people of obscure speech and difficult language," and how hard it is to be a missionary right here in the US, in a place that is full of a language and a people that we understand for the most part. Why is it still true today, as it was so many years ago, that people are more willing to listen when you are from a country and a life that is not like their own.

It makes me think of YouthWorks and the many teens, adults and communities that we work with. So often youth and adults who come to our sites from similar places as us have a hard time hearing. They have a hard time getting past the fact that we are similar to them. That we speak in the same tonal sounds as them. That our accent is similar to theirs. That we use the same lingo and jargon. And because of this they have a hard time hearing and believing the words we are speaking to them about the Lord...about cooking in the kitchen...about driving directions to ministry sites.

It also makes me think of myself. How often have I not listened to someone because they were not of "obscure and difficult speech," because they were younger than me or older than me or not as mature as me or whatever excuse I happen to come up with as a reason not to open my ears to hear from them? And how often do I do that to God? How often am I like an Israelite with a hardened and obstinate heart? How often have I thought that my limited view and knowledge of something was correct and unchangeable? And when I recognize myself doing that how do I turn around and soften my hardened heart?

This passage also gives me hope. Hope in the fact that I have a Father who gives me the wisdom and the words to say when I am the one who is sent to speak to people. Hope that I am not drifting alone out in a sea of uncertainty and doubt. Hope that He won't leave me nor forsake me. Hope that despite the wretched one that I am alone, God can use me to push people into his arms. God can use me to speak hope, love, truth, and challenge. God can place the words in my mouth to utter and to proclaim loudly to His people. Not because I am worthy or brilliant or have all the answers, but because He can take this piece of clay and turn it into a beautiful creation.

Oh spirit, rejoice that you are not alone!
Oh body, revel in the fact that you were created beautiful in His eyes and in His image!
Oh tongue, take heart that good can come forth from you!
And mind, be at peace knowing you don't have to know all the answers or see all the outcomes.

Worlds Apart

Worlds Apart, by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love, To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tear Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray, To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart

Worlds Apart.


how i love the lyrics to this song! this is a song that almost speaks to who i am and who i want to be. i want the Lord to take my world apart. i want the Lord to reveal all the junk and ugliness inside of me. so often i cry out to the Lord to take me apart. to show up in my life. to wash me clean of the junk that suddenly takes over and tries to choke me.

why did He have to die for me? why does he love me when i can barely love myself? why do i simply need to fall into the arms of grace when i am a wretched and broken person!

Parker!

Although I have yet to be blessed with a man I can grow old and live this journey with, God has blessed me an incredible little man whom I adore! My nephew Parker continually brings joy and laughter into my life.

Parker is 20 months old and has just recently been trying to day my name. Although, it really doesn't sound anything like Kari, just hearing him try melts my heart everytime!

I have been so so blessed that the Lord has placed this young man in my life! I continue to pray that he would grow up to be a man who runs after and loves the Lord!