Eye Candy

Fall is one of my most favorite seasons. Vibrant colors leaping out at you from every tree and bush. Swirling together in a type of rainbow that seems to glow and jump right out at you. Being a very visual person, the vibrancy of these colors are like candy to my eyes. I spent some time down by the Mississippi River one afternoon taking some pictures of the area and I wanted to share them with you.

Some flowers that look like they belong to the spring. They were just tiny and delicate.

I love the way the colors bleed from green to orange to red. Each leaf filled with every imaginable blend of color, no two the same.

Thanks Lord for candy for my eyes. For showing your love and your beauty through the magnificence of your creation!

Standing Firm

As my family continues to be in the midst of falling apart I have found myself often in a place of struggling to trust the Lord. Struggling to trust in His goodness. Struggling to trust that He actually cares and responds to the prayers and petitions of His children. Struggling to believe that should the marriage of my parents end in divorce that my God would still be good. That He would still love me and care for me and be faithful to me as much as He has been in the past.

Marriage is meant to be a covenant that 2 people make before the Lord. A covenant that is binding and a covenant that should not be broken lightly. Why is it then that it seems as though God doesn't fight harder for that covenant? Why is it then that so many marriages have crumbled down around me? I am left standing amidst the ruins asking "Where is God now? Why doesn't He care for His children? Why doesn't He fight harder on their behalf for this covenant that was made before Him?" I have wondered for the last 6 or so months what a divorce between my parents would do for my faith. A few months ago when there was talk of it I became angry. I knew that if it should happen that my faith would be rocked-that my faith, already on the brink of collapse, would crumble and I would walk away. I would throw up my hands in despair and in anger at the God who would let something as sacred as marriage fall down broken before Him. In those moments I wanted to give up. Give up on hope, give up on trusting that the Lord and Father I had followed for so long was good and that He cared about the pain that His children were going through. I began to shut down and withdraw into myself. I closed down my heart and my mind because I felt like I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't care anymore. I couldn't hope anymore. It was too hard and it hurt too much. And I felt like my prayers, my cries, my pleas were falling on deaf ears.

Thankfully, I do have a God who is good. I do have a God who hurts when His people hurt. A God who longs just as much as I do for the covenant made before Him to not be broken. I often wonder why a God, who knows the depths of our souls and of our depravity, would choose to give His children free-will. Why He would choose to give His Beloved choices that will make them hurt. I wondered why I ached and prayed and longed so much for a marriage to be healed that was headed nowhere but towards and end. Couldn't I just accept it and move on? Move on toward the healing. Move on toward picking up the pieces of a broken family. But God hasn't let me. He hasn't given me a peace that this is what it is supposed to be. He hasn't given me relief from crying out day and night for my family to be made whole. For my family to taste His sweetness. For my parents to experience a marriage like the Lord created marriage for.

I don't know what is going to happen but I have learned that no matter what the end looks like, I DO have a God who loves me. I DO have a God who is crying because of the pain that I see on the faces of my parents. I DO have a God who wants to be good to His children, a God who loves and adores His children, a God who longs for us to crawl up into His lap to cry, to petition, to pray, to listen. I will fight to have hope in an end that doesn't include the words divorce and broken family. I will fight to believe in a God who can do immeasuarbly more than anything we could ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). An end that includes tasting the Lord's sweetness that much more because of the junk and pain and suffering that had to be waded through to get there. Because I have a God through whom nothing is impossible and all things are possible (Mark 10:27). A God who delights in showing up in ways we would never dream or expect.

"I will declare that Your love stands firm forever, that You established Your faithfulness in heaven itself."
Psalm 89:2

Tattered, Torn, Wrecked but in the end GOOD

"Here I am in my fifth YouthWorks summer, and nothing has been easy, mostly because of how often I have been confronted with my own sin and messiness. My impatience with imperfect people has distanced me from some of my staff. Selfishness has led me to fight every step of the way when things weren’t going my way – whether that means arguing with my boss or getting mad at God. Disobedience has made me resist the steps that God would have me take, and He’s had to drag me down the narrow road kicking and screaming at times. Laziness has made me complacent about spending time praying and reading God’s word. All of this has come together to make me crabby, emotional, irritable, and a generally not-nice person. I feel like this summer has brought out the worst in me, and I am wearing my sin like a dingy white t-shirt."

-Jenilyn

Wow! Thank you to my dear friend Jenilyn for putting words to my 5th YouthWorks summer. Last year(summer 05) was my fifth and by far the hardest summer personally/spiritually/emotionally yet! I left the summer feeling like I was thrown into a massive messed up heap on the floor with only the Love and Care of my Father able to pick me up and make me whole. I felt battered and beaten so often last summer that I just expected the blows to come. Blows of my selfishness, blows from my pride, blows from my faults so filling my vision that nothing else could be seen. And just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, another attack would come from the other side...totally taking me off guard.

The amazing thing is that I made it through the summer with my faith intact, barely. But God was there. He was there amidst my junk, my weakness, my ugliness. He was there with arms wide open ready to bring me back in, dust me off, glue back together the pieces of my shattered life to make me beautiful, to make me His Beloved.

I would pay to not have to go back to that place, but I am so grateful because I was able to leave that summer saying "My God is good. I am wrecked, but my God is good. I am shattered on the floor, tired, exhausted, weary, hurting, but my God is good."

Praise the Lord that He is a GOOD God. A God who loves His children so much that He allows them to be put through the fire (hot, intense, thick fire) only to come out on the other side reflecting more and more HIS beautiful image. Oh that I would rejoice in my sufferings because I know that in the end they are good.

sisters becoming friends

today i am thinking a lot about my sisters. siblings are funny things. one moment you love them and would do anything for them and the next you want them to go away, never to return. because of the age gaps (4 years between me and one, and 6 years between me and the other) and because of our temperaments, i would usually get along with the baby of the family while me and the middle child would be at each others throats. sure we would have our moments of piece and goodwill toward one another but more often i think my mom would have liked to lock us in separate rooms where we couldn't beegging the other on to anger and frustration. me and the youngest, on the other hand, because there was such an age gap, usually got along great. she was my little sister. i took her under my wing. i showed her off to my friends. when i was in 6th grade and her kindergarten class was next door to mine, i made sure she got there ok and even brought her in to hang out with the "big kids" from time to time.

the cool thing is that as we have grown older the age gap has seemed to become smaller and smaller. my sisters are turning into my confidants and friends. i miss them when i don't get to see them very often. i have spent much money on gas to go and visit for a day because i know it is worth it. it excites me to think how far we have come-from being people forced to share space, breathing air and toys, to people who plan time to be together, to people who call one another to lean on, to people who enjoy spending time together. oh, we still have those moments of frustration and anger towards one another but it's ok because i know my sisters love me. and i know that no matter what happens that they will stick by me, faults, obnoxious habits, and all!

Ezekiel and Me

"Then I looked, and I saw a hand stretched out to me. In it was a scroll, which he unrolled before me. On both sides of it were written words of lament and mourning and woe. And he said to me, "Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the house of Israel." So I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat...then he said to me; "Son of man, go now to the house of Israel and speak my words to them. You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and difficult language...whose words you cannot understand. Surely if I had sent you to them, they would have listened to you. But the whole house of Israel is not willing to listen to you because they were not willing to listen to me, for the whole house of Israel is hardened and obstinate."
Ezekiel 2:9-3:7

I read this passage a few days ago and it continues to strike me as I think about it even now. It makes me think of missionaries, the people that we so often to send to far away lands to "people of obscure speech and difficult language," and how hard it is to be a missionary right here in the US, in a place that is full of a language and a people that we understand for the most part. Why is it still true today, as it was so many years ago, that people are more willing to listen when you are from a country and a life that is not like their own.

It makes me think of YouthWorks and the many teens, adults and communities that we work with. So often youth and adults who come to our sites from similar places as us have a hard time hearing. They have a hard time getting past the fact that we are similar to them. That we speak in the same tonal sounds as them. That our accent is similar to theirs. That we use the same lingo and jargon. And because of this they have a hard time hearing and believing the words we are speaking to them about the Lord...about cooking in the kitchen...about driving directions to ministry sites.

It also makes me think of myself. How often have I not listened to someone because they were not of "obscure and difficult speech," because they were younger than me or older than me or not as mature as me or whatever excuse I happen to come up with as a reason not to open my ears to hear from them? And how often do I do that to God? How often am I like an Israelite with a hardened and obstinate heart? How often have I thought that my limited view and knowledge of something was correct and unchangeable? And when I recognize myself doing that how do I turn around and soften my hardened heart?

This passage also gives me hope. Hope in the fact that I have a Father who gives me the wisdom and the words to say when I am the one who is sent to speak to people. Hope that I am not drifting alone out in a sea of uncertainty and doubt. Hope that He won't leave me nor forsake me. Hope that despite the wretched one that I am alone, God can use me to push people into his arms. God can use me to speak hope, love, truth, and challenge. God can place the words in my mouth to utter and to proclaim loudly to His people. Not because I am worthy or brilliant or have all the answers, but because He can take this piece of clay and turn it into a beautiful creation.

Oh spirit, rejoice that you are not alone!
Oh body, revel in the fact that you were created beautiful in His eyes and in His image!
Oh tongue, take heart that good can come forth from you!
And mind, be at peace knowing you don't have to know all the answers or see all the outcomes.