Enough

As I have been meditating on trust and through circumstances in my life I have realized that I am scared to hope for what seems like the impossible. I am scared to hope. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Jesus help me to trust you enough to have hope. 

ENOUGH

 -by kari smith

Scared to hope because I have been disappointed before. 

Scared to dream because dreams have shattered before. 

Scared to let myself believe that I am worth it because I have not been worth it before. 

It is hard to realize your own demons.

It's hard to stare at your fears in the face. 

It is scary to hope in something you think is unattainable and even more scary to think that it might be attainable...if only. 

If only I were good enough. 

If only I were funny enough. 

If only I were interesting enough. 

If only I were pretty enough. 

If only...

The "if onlys" crowd my thoughts and cloud my vision. 

I ache and yearn and dream of this seemingly unattainable thing 

and then chastise myself for daring to hope. 

My head and my heart cry out "Stop! You've been down this road before and it has lead to nothing but heartache and shattered hope. Don't go there again." 

And for awhile I listen. 

I listen to the warnings in my head. 

I begin to steel my heart. 

I give up hope.

And then, soft as a whisper, Your voice speaks.

Speaks to me of promise.

Speaks to me of hope.

Speaks to me of dreams.

And You say, "Fear not, for I am with you.

I summon you by name.

You are mine.

Don't steel your heart to me.

Dare to hope.

Dare to dream.

Dare to trust in Me."  

I fall into your arms crying,

Longing

Wanting to hope

Wanting to dream

Wanting to believe that I am 

...good enough. 

...funny enough. 

...interesting enough. 

...pretty enough.

Trust

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into
ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered His presence and His promise."

-Brennan Manning "Ruthless Trust"

Trust the way that Brennan Manning puts it is exciting and scary all at the same time. Moving away from my "predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future" into the often unknown path of Christ is exhilarating and overwhelming. Exhilarating because it is a path that is so often made clear only one step at a time, yet overwhelming for the same.

As I take a step into the unknown, Christ calls for my radical trust in who he is. My trust in the fact that he "does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17), that he has said "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5), that he is a "compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" (Exodus 34:6). He beckons me to leave all that is comfortable and to join him on an amazing journey; HIS journey. The journey into the dark and hurting places of this world. The journey to places that will feel hard and uncomfortable. The journey to places where he can and will "do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine!" (Ephesians 3:20-21) The journey into a life truly lived.

My prayer is that this is the type of ruthless trust that characterizes my life. Trust that says "I will follow You anywhere." Trust that often won't make sense in the beginning. Trust that takes me out of the secure and into the unknown. Trust in the one who formed me and knows me. Ruthless trust.