"Here I am in my fifth YouthWorks summer, and nothing has been easy, mostly because of how often I have been confronted with my own sin and messiness. My impatience with imperfect people has distanced me from some of my staff. Selfishness has led me to fight every step of the way when things weren’t going my way – whether that means arguing with my boss or getting mad at God. Disobedience has made me resist the steps that God would have me take, and He’s had to drag me down the narrow road kicking and screaming at times. Laziness has made me complacent about spending time praying and reading God’s word. All of this has come together to make me crabby, emotional, irritable, and a generally not-nice person. I feel like this summer has brought out the worst in me, and I am wearing my sin like a dingy white t-shirt."
-Jenilyn
Wow! Thank you to my dear friend Jenilyn for putting words to my 5th YouthWorks summer. Last year(summer 05) was my fifth and by far the hardest summer personally/spiritually/emotionally yet! I left the summer feeling like I was thrown into a massive messed up heap on the floor with only the Love and Care of my Father able to pick me up and make me whole. I felt battered and beaten so often last summer that I just expected the blows to come. Blows of my selfishness, blows from my pride, blows from my faults so filling my vision that nothing else could be seen. And just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, another attack would come from the other side...totally taking me off guard.
The amazing thing is that I made it through the summer with my faith intact, barely. But God was there. He was there amidst my junk, my weakness, my ugliness. He was there with arms wide open ready to bring me back in, dust me off, glue back together the pieces of my shattered life to make me beautiful, to make me His Beloved.
I would pay to not have to go back to that place, but I am so grateful because I was able to leave that summer saying "My God is good. I am wrecked, but my God is good. I am shattered on the floor, tired, exhausted, weary, hurting, but my God is good."
Praise the Lord that He is a GOOD God. A God who loves His children so much that He allows them to be put through the fire (hot, intense, thick fire) only to come out on the other side reflecting more and more HIS beautiful image. Oh that I would rejoice in my sufferings because I know that in the end they are good.
4 comments:
Kari -
Why didn't I know until today that you have a blog? Sorry, I've been living under a rock. It is good to hear that I'm not alone, and thankful that my words can help to put some words to your experience.
The funny thing is though, looking back right now, I almost wish I could go back - wish I could know what it would have truly looked like to TRUST in the Lord, to REJOICE in him always.
Remind me of that wish next time I'm going through a mess.
- Jenilyn
KARI SMITH ROCKS MY FACE OFF. I will spend the rest of my days in Milwaukee looking for my face. Let me know if you have any suggestions. I just stinkin' love you and think that you are great.
Kari~ Sometimes I randomly check YW's blogs to help me feel like I'm still connected in some way while I am not out there this summer. Today I'm really glad I did. I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing this is to hear your words about last summer, it's amazing to hear some of my own thoughts echoed here in a way that makes me realize that I wasn't alone in these thoughts and emotions. It always amazes me how God speaks to us through the ability to share similar experiences with each other. Kari thanks for sharing.
Ellen
I agree with Kate, Kari Smith Rocks My Face Off! Even more so though, GOD rocks my world upside down and inside out. He works in mysterious ways. Particularly the "ugly" times in life.
I so appreciate your honesty with things of life. I know you don't share openly like that very often, but privately you do. What a blessing to see how God encourages and uses our messes and brokenness to build each other up.
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