Where are you Lord?

Lord where are you when life takes over?

Where are you in the black of night when I feel as if I am all alone? 

Where are you when I cry out for answers?

Father why can't I find you?

Why do you seem to hide your face?

Why have you turned your back on me...or more appropriately, why have I turned mine?

Where can I go to be in your presence once more?

Why do I give in to this body of flesh?

Why does my pride and jealousy rear it's ugly head when over and over I beat it to the ground?

Why do I feel so alone on this never ending journey?

Why can't I be happy with you, and you alone?

I need a fresh washing of your spirit. I need a taste of your goodness. I need relief from longing unfulfilled. Jesus, help me to throw myself into your arms. Help me to be ok in this waiting room. Help me to trust that someday this wait will be over. That someday I will be with you forever, in a place where hurt and hate and anger and jealousy and pride can't hurt me anymore. In a place where I am completely me, dancing with you for eternity. 

Faith

Faith

One little word that has such a big meaning.

Faith

Something I continually strive for yet something that often eludes me.

Faith

A belief and hope that God is good. That he doesn't change. That he cares about my dreams, my desires, my aches, and my hurts.

Faith

How often I have cried out in faith that the Lord would hear me, that he would hear my cry for decaying marriage, that he would hear my cry for desires unmet and unfulfilled, that he would calm this spirit within me that so easily turns it back to its Creator. Yet how many times have I been met by silence...nothing...not a whisper, not a word...silence...

What do I do when the silence surrounds? When I must truly walk by faith and not by sight or by a word heard. When I must trust in the God who says he is good, who says he loves me, who says all things are for my good and for his glory. What do I do when doubt creeps in and I am too tired to fight? What do I do when questioning creeps in and I agree with it? What then Lord? Why are you silent? Why do you not honor scripture that talks about desire being fulfilled and unfulfilled longing being bad for the soul? I'm too tired to be strong. I'm too tired to hang on. I'm too tired to fight the voices that tell me I'm undesireable and stupid to fight for a marriage doomed to fail.

This is the place where I stand only on faith. Faith that my God truly is good. Faith that he has some sort of plan and purpose. Faith that desire overtaking my being will be fulfilled. Faith that he can take a ruined marriage and make it whole.

Faith that he is God and I am not.

Faith that he sees the big picture and that I am but a speck.

Faith that he existed before time began and that he will exist long after my time in this world is over.

Faith that he does truly love me and care about my hurts.

Faith

Something I will continue to strive for.

Faith

One small word with such great meaning.

Faith

My whole life.

The Big 3!

My nephew turned 3 this last weekend and I got to go to Rochester to help him celebrate. It is hard to believe that this swet little boy who used to barely weigh 10 pounds turned 3. It's like he is a little man and not a baby anymore. We celebrated by going to Leo's Pizza-it's a little bit like Chuck E. Cheese-on Friday night (the actual day of his birthday) and then Saturday we had a birthday party for him. He loves the movie "Cars" so that was his theme. It was a great time to celebrate this sweet little boy!