Enough

As I have been meditating on trust and through circumstances in my life I have realized that I am scared to hope for what seems like the impossible. I am scared to hope. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Jesus help me to trust you enough to have hope. 

ENOUGH

 -by kari smith

Scared to hope because I have been disappointed before. 

Scared to dream because dreams have shattered before. 

Scared to let myself believe that I am worth it because I have not been worth it before. 

It is hard to realize your own demons.

It's hard to stare at your fears in the face. 

It is scary to hope in something you think is unattainable and even more scary to think that it might be attainable...if only. 

If only I were good enough. 

If only I were funny enough. 

If only I were interesting enough. 

If only I were pretty enough. 

If only...

The "if onlys" crowd my thoughts and cloud my vision. 

I ache and yearn and dream of this seemingly unattainable thing 

and then chastise myself for daring to hope. 

My head and my heart cry out "Stop! You've been down this road before and it has lead to nothing but heartache and shattered hope. Don't go there again." 

And for awhile I listen. 

I listen to the warnings in my head. 

I begin to steel my heart. 

I give up hope.

And then, soft as a whisper, Your voice speaks.

Speaks to me of promise.

Speaks to me of hope.

Speaks to me of dreams.

And You say, "Fear not, for I am with you.

I summon you by name.

You are mine.

Don't steel your heart to me.

Dare to hope.

Dare to dream.

Dare to trust in Me."  

I fall into your arms crying,

Longing

Wanting to hope

Wanting to dream

Wanting to believe that I am 

...good enough. 

...funny enough. 

...interesting enough. 

...pretty enough.

Trust

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into
ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered His presence and His promise."

-Brennan Manning "Ruthless Trust"

Trust the way that Brennan Manning puts it is exciting and scary all at the same time. Moving away from my "predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future" into the often unknown path of Christ is exhilarating and overwhelming. Exhilarating because it is a path that is so often made clear only one step at a time, yet overwhelming for the same.

As I take a step into the unknown, Christ calls for my radical trust in who he is. My trust in the fact that he "does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17), that he has said "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5), that he is a "compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness" (Exodus 34:6). He beckons me to leave all that is comfortable and to join him on an amazing journey; HIS journey. The journey into the dark and hurting places of this world. The journey to places that will feel hard and uncomfortable. The journey to places where he can and will "do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine!" (Ephesians 3:20-21) The journey into a life truly lived.

My prayer is that this is the type of ruthless trust that characterizes my life. Trust that says "I will follow You anywhere." Trust that often won't make sense in the beginning. Trust that takes me out of the secure and into the unknown. Trust in the one who formed me and knows me. Ruthless trust.

Where are you Lord?

Lord where are you when life takes over?

Where are you in the black of night when I feel as if I am all alone? 

Where are you when I cry out for answers?

Father why can't I find you?

Why do you seem to hide your face?

Why have you turned your back on me...or more appropriately, why have I turned mine?

Where can I go to be in your presence once more?

Why do I give in to this body of flesh?

Why does my pride and jealousy rear it's ugly head when over and over I beat it to the ground?

Why do I feel so alone on this never ending journey?

Why can't I be happy with you, and you alone?

I need a fresh washing of your spirit. I need a taste of your goodness. I need relief from longing unfulfilled. Jesus, help me to throw myself into your arms. Help me to be ok in this waiting room. Help me to trust that someday this wait will be over. That someday I will be with you forever, in a place where hurt and hate and anger and jealousy and pride can't hurt me anymore. In a place where I am completely me, dancing with you for eternity. 

Faith

Faith

One little word that has such a big meaning.

Faith

Something I continually strive for yet something that often eludes me.

Faith

A belief and hope that God is good. That he doesn't change. That he cares about my dreams, my desires, my aches, and my hurts.

Faith

How often I have cried out in faith that the Lord would hear me, that he would hear my cry for decaying marriage, that he would hear my cry for desires unmet and unfulfilled, that he would calm this spirit within me that so easily turns it back to its Creator. Yet how many times have I been met by silence...nothing...not a whisper, not a word...silence...

What do I do when the silence surrounds? When I must truly walk by faith and not by sight or by a word heard. When I must trust in the God who says he is good, who says he loves me, who says all things are for my good and for his glory. What do I do when doubt creeps in and I am too tired to fight? What do I do when questioning creeps in and I agree with it? What then Lord? Why are you silent? Why do you not honor scripture that talks about desire being fulfilled and unfulfilled longing being bad for the soul? I'm too tired to be strong. I'm too tired to hang on. I'm too tired to fight the voices that tell me I'm undesireable and stupid to fight for a marriage doomed to fail.

This is the place where I stand only on faith. Faith that my God truly is good. Faith that he has some sort of plan and purpose. Faith that desire overtaking my being will be fulfilled. Faith that he can take a ruined marriage and make it whole.

Faith that he is God and I am not.

Faith that he sees the big picture and that I am but a speck.

Faith that he existed before time began and that he will exist long after my time in this world is over.

Faith that he does truly love me and care about my hurts.

Faith

Something I will continue to strive for.

Faith

One small word with such great meaning.

Faith

My whole life.

The Big 3!

My nephew turned 3 this last weekend and I got to go to Rochester to help him celebrate. It is hard to believe that this swet little boy who used to barely weigh 10 pounds turned 3. It's like he is a little man and not a baby anymore. We celebrated by going to Leo's Pizza-it's a little bit like Chuck E. Cheese-on Friday night (the actual day of his birthday) and then Saturday we had a birthday party for him. He loves the movie "Cars" so that was his theme. It was a great time to celebrate this sweet little boy!

Carving Pumpkins!

Some friends got together to carve pumpkins for Halloween. I haven't done that in quite a few years and had forgotten how fun it! What a great time of fellowship, messiness, and creativity. We used this amazing little tool called teh Goop Scoop to help clean out the inards! (half the fun of the tool was the name!) It was great to feel a little bit like a kid again and to enjoy some time with great people.

The finished product!

You can't see it very well in this picture but he has a scar on the side of his head.

I would encourage all of you to pull out a pumpkin, push up your sleeves, and enjoy an hour of feeling like a kid again!

CCDA-Renewal, Refreshment, Revival

I had the opportunity to head to St Louis last week for a 4 day conference. I attended the Christian Community Development Association conference (CCDA) for the first time and had a blast. it was a great week/weekend of learning and being refreshed by the Lord. It was a great reminder to me that I am excited about developing and mentoring leaders. It was great to see so many like-minded people in one place. People who long to fight for those who don't have a voice and people who long to spread Christ's love. People who are working to cross the barriers of race and economic class that so divide the Body of Christ. I was challenged to start working now on goals and dreams that I have, knowing that the Lord will provide as needed and that with His help anything is possible. It was great to spend time with great friends and to have intentional conversations.

Jesus, continue to lay the things that I learned and experienced on my heart. Continue to mold and refine this heart that so easily becomes hard. Open my eyes to see the vision and the passion that you have for my life. I am yours Lord. Mold me. Shape me. Refine me. Help me to be a lover of your people. Help me to encourage and push forward people who have little faith in themselves. Help me to be a speaker of your truth. Help me to be a lover of your word. Help me to run hard after you.

The Birthday

I celebrated my birthday yesterday and what a day it was. For the first time in 2 years I wasn't sick on my big day, which was a nice treat. I received many great e-mails and e-cards, super fun voicemails (some of which included serenading!), a blizzard and great conversation with a friend, a birthday serenade by my preschool kids (hence the birthday crown in the picture above) at church, and a yummy dinner and cake from my sweet roommates (who also, along with another friend and one of my sisters bought me the last 2 seasons I was missing to round out my "Friends" collection). All in all it was a great day and I was so blessed by all the love poured out to me.

The roommate birthday picture.

Tonya, Elisa, Me, Danita

Elisa was so sweet to make me my most favorite cake-Cold Water Chocolate Cake with Egg White Frosting, a recipe from my Grandma Smith. The sad news is that we didn't go straight to grandma for the recipe and because of that accidentally added too much baking soda. The cake didn't taste so good but the frosting was still amazing! So we just ate the frosting off the top. The picture is of me and the frostingless cake.

The video is of my nephew singing me happy birthday. There is nothing to actually look at because we were in the car at night, but you can hear his sweet little voice. (This actually was filmed last spring, so it wasn't on my birthday-although he did leave me a couple birthday messages with singing yesterday-but he inserted my name in the song and it melts my heart everytime I hear it so I had to include it!

Thank You Everyone for the all the Birthday Love!

The Silence was Golden

I have returned from my time of solitude and I can tell you that it was an absolutely beautiful thing. As I went into that time I was so curious to know what the Lord was wanting to teach me. One of my first journal entries upon arrival read:

"Lord, what is it that I am after by being here? What am I hoping to find or experience? I think I am chasing after you. Hoping to find you and hear you in a place so quiet and still. Quiet not because because there isn't any noise, there's lots of that-the wind blowing through the trees, the sounds of cars speeding by on the highway, branches falling to the ground from their perches high above-quiet because there's no T.V. or radio to distract me, no schedule to keep or people to talk to, no cleaning to do, books to read, places to shop. Quiet because all the normal ways I distract myself are gone.

It's weird to be in a place where time doesn't matter. No
place to rush off to. It's amazing how the cares of the world can stick to you. Part of my hopes this wind will blow them out of my mind and off of my body."

I arrived and after a brief introduction was brought to my hermitage. It was named after St Therese of L'isiuex. There is some material on the saint in the hermitage and upon reading the stuff about St Therese I found that she talked about "a love that heals," Christ's love. It struck me then that this was the reason I was here, to experience the healing love of Christ. I had also brought along with me the book "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning and upon beginning to read it I discovered that I was also there to continue to work on trusting the Lord.

Among the paths that were scattered around the grounds there was a cross and I spent some time meditating up on it and upon the resons why I was there:

"I sit facing a cross that is across a meadow. A figure so familiar that it is easy for me to look past it, yet there is something that continually draws my eye to it. There is something beautiful about those two pieces of wood attached together by a simple rope. Something awe inspiring and wonderful. It is as if all the answers to all of life's mysteries could be found if I just looked upon that cross long enough.

I am staying in a hermitage named after St Therese of L'isieux. She is one of only 3 women saints and is the saint of healing. How ironic that I am in that place because I am in desperate need of healing. I think that's why I'm here, for healing. Healing from past hurts, healing from the sins of this world, healing from the burden of caring so deeply for people that I take their hurts upon myself as my own."

The Lord truly did meet me in that place. He showed favor and love upon me. At the end of my time I wasn't ready to walk back into the world. I wanted to stay in this place where it was just meand God. No schedules, no demands, no chances to let myself and others down. A place sacred and special to me and to Him. But He has not called me to hide. He has not called me to live my faith out under a rock. He has called me to be in the world. To love the world and it's people as He loves them. There will be moments where He draws me away and spends time with me alone, but more often He will be walking alongside me through the mud and the muck of this world. He will be working with me to extract the beauty that He has placed here in this life. And He will help me to turn my eyes upon Him and upon the purposes He has for me.

Thank you Lord for a beautiful and sacred time. Thank you for healing and for beginning anew. May I continue in this search for you. May I always be reminded that my purpose here is to bring you glory and to worship you alone.

The Silence Will Soon Surround Me

I am headed off today on my first silent retreat. I am headed to a place called Pacem in Terris that is about an hour from Minneapolis for 2 days alone with God. I have been anxiously awaiting this time and now that it is here I am getting a little bit nervous. With no electricity, city noise, or friends/family I know the next couple days will be very quiet. Life feels a bit out of control right now and there seems to be more questions than answers so I am hoping that the quiet will seep into my heart and my mind and that I would find time to just sit with my Creator.

I keep asking myself what I hope to get out of this time and I want to say Answers...but if I am honest I just hope that I meet the Lord. I hope that I can soak in His presence and spend hours listening for His still small voice. I don't know what the next 2 days will hold but I know that I brought only my Bible, "Ruthless Trust," my journal and my art supplies to fill my time.

Lord, please meet me in these days. Jesus wrap me in your loving embrace and help the cares of the world to melt away as water melts away from a piece of ice sitting in the sun. Father I am going to seek your face and to delight in your beauty and presence. Lord I need you. I want you. Please come and meet with me in that place.

The Grandeur of God

Valdez, Alaska April 2007

Creation screams of the grandeur of the Lord. I sense it in the rustling of the trees in the wind, the cry of a hawk in search of his lunch, the sky bursting forth with the colors of sunrise and sunset, the sense of peace I feel when I sit silent in a place devoid of human sounds and things. The creation is just one of the amazing works of our magnificent Creator. A God who reveals his love for his people through the painted skies of dusk and dawn.

Cedar Lake, Minneapolis, MN September 2007

Father thank you for the magnificence of your creation. Thank you for using your created things to wrap your arms of love, provision, and protection around us. May I never forget the gift that you have given in the creation of you kingdom.

Minnehaha Falls, Minneaspolis, MN September 2007

Not my will, but yours be done...

During my devotional time today I read some very life-giving words and I wanted to pass them along. I am using the book "Spiritual Classics" edited by Richard Foster and Emilie Griffin for my devotions this summer. The one I was reading today was under the spiritual discipline of submission. Now when I first read the title submission I first thought of the submission that is talked about of women and all the political and theological debates and arguments that go with it. I was happy to be redirected and reminded that the discipline of submission is really talking about us submitting to the Lord.

Today the excerpt that I was reading was talking about holy obedience and was written by a man named Thomas R. Kelly from his work A Testament of Devotion. Because he has such great writing I am simply going to let his work speak for itself.

"In considering one gateway into this life of holy obedience, let us dare to venture together into the inner sanctuary of the soul, where God meets man in awful immediacy...

It is an overwhelming experience to fall into the hands of the living God, to be invaded to the depths of one's being by His presence, to be, without warning, wholly uprooted from all earth-born securities and assurances, and to be blown by a tempest of unbelievable power which leaves one's old proud self utterly, utterly defenseless, until one cries, " All Thy waves and thy billows are gone over me" (Ps 42:7). Then is the soul swept into a Loving Center of ineffable sweetness, where calm and unspeakable peace and ravishing joy steal over one...There stands the world of struggling, sinful, earth-blinded men and nations of plants and animals and wheeling stars of heaven, all new, all lapped in the tender, persuading Love at the Center... In one awful solemnity the Holy One is over all and in all, exquisitely loving, infinitely patient, tenderly smiling. Marks of glory are upon all things, and the marks are cruciform and blood-stained. And one sighs, like the convinced Thomas of old, " My Lord and my God" (John 20:28). Dare one lift one's eyes and look? Nay, whither can one look and not see Him? For field and stream and teeming streets are full of Him. Yet as Moses knew, no man can look on God and live-live as his old self. Death comes, blessed death, death of one's alienating will. And one knows what Paul meant when he wrote, "The life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God" (Gal 2:20).

One emerges from such soul-shaking, Love-invaded times into more normal states of consciousness. But one knows ever after that the Eternal Lover of the world, the Hound of Heaven, is utterly, utterly real, and that life must henceforth be forever determined by that Real...Self is emptied into God, and God in-fills it. In glad, amazed humility we cast on Him out little lives in trusting obedience, in erect serene, and smiling joy...For nothing else in all of heaven or earth counts as much as His will, His slightest wish, His faintest breathing. And holy obedience sets in...ready to run and not be weary, and to walk and not faint."

Lord, help me to love you with this kind of abandon. Abandon that says "not my will, but yours be done." Lord continue to conform my thoughts to yours. Continue to use your Word to be water to my soul. Help me to live in a state of prayer. May your love overflow from me in such a way that people would look at me and see not me, but you pouring out of me.

I took the plunge...

I finally signed up for Facebook. After a summer of staff, students, and youth pastors urging me to do it I finally took the plunge today (kinda accidentally) and signed up. My page is pretty blank since I have no idea how to work it but hopefully I can get it jazzed up soon.

Anyone out there who could give me a tutorial?! :)

Peace

Peace.

A word that conjures up images of secluded spaces with just the sounds of creation whispering in your ear.

Peace.

A place that is so often hard to find and disconcerting once you get there.

Peace.

A feeling like no other where it seems as if nothing and nobody can frustrate or stress you out.

Peace.

A feeling that overtakes your body when you are right where the Lord wants you to be, right when he wants you to be there.

Peace.

Lord may I never stray far from this place of absolute stillness and trust. This place of faith and hope. This place given to me by you.

Weekend in Wisconsin

This weekend, for the first time ever in my 7 summers of YouthWorks, I had a couple good friends come to visit me. Danita and Lauren made the 5 hour trek from Minneapolis to Green Bay for a weekend of fun, fellowship, and Packer watching.

Being the huge Packer fan that she is, Danita had us visiting the stadium and taking in a practice.

We also found some time to head up to Door County to an amazing beach for some time to rest and relax in the sun.

I was blessed by their sacrifice to come and visit me! You ladies are great! Thanks for providing some refreshment and chance to play tourist in the midst of the summer.

Mackinac Island

My Sault Ste Marie staff and I (plus one of Heather's friends-Jason) got the chance to visit Mackinac Island this weekend. What an amazing and gorgeous place it is! The Lord truly blessed that time by making the 7 hours we were there feel like an entire weekend. There are no motor vehicles allowed on the island and everyone gets around on foot, by bicycle, and by horse drawn carriage. After unbaording the ferry and taking a walk around town we rented some bikes and set off on a trek to circle the island.

The island is about 8 miles around and we took a leisurely ride, stopping at various points for some hiking and playing in the water.

The weather was gorgeous, the water was warm and all of us were wishing that we had worn our swimsuits so we could have taken advantage of it. After turning our rental bikes back in we went and grabbed some grub at a local burger joint. The place was pretty dead since it was about 3 in the afternoon and we made friends with the guys behind the counter who then gave us lots of extra food. We had a great time eating and fellowshipping together. It is amazing how carefree life seems when you aren't on a strict schedule.

The rest of our day was spent exploring all the tourist shops that line main street and a couple of the side streets. I included a couple pictures of some of our finds...




Yes, that's right...a toilet. We found this sitting by a tree outside somone's house. It was pretty funny.

We also found this great Fun House mirror at a store called "Cattywampus." This is Jacob checking himself out in it.

This is just an example of some of the crazy hats we found at some of the souvenier stores.



All in all, it was a great and relaxing day. We all felt refreshed and rejuvenated by the time away. Thanks Lord for that and for the beauty of your creation and your people.

Us on the ferry ride back to the mainland.

(Joe, Jacob, Heather, me, Kirby)

The sunset the Lord provided for the ride.

"And now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21

(you can see more pictures on my other blog. To get there go to my profile and click on Pictures By Me)

My Week in the Soo

I was finally able to come and hang out with my staff in Sault Ste Marie, MI. It was a great week with great youth and adults as well as great times with my staff. Some highlights of the week were...

Arriving to this welcome sign in the place where my airmattress was to be placed...right in between Kirby and Heather...my favorite spot. Notice the 4 different types of Diet Coke lined up at the top. They are the best...and I may have gotten them all addicted to Diet Coke...oops!

Making homemade salsa and cookies with Heather...they were delish...notice my pizza shaped hat...I definitely wore it to Club one night.

Joe and Jacob sharing a licorice string...you never know what an evening staff meeting will bring.

One of my favorite youth from the week (although I had many "favorites" this week) Carmen and I sporting our killer tatoos, which were purchsed from the vending machine at the shower site.

Carmen is a sweet, spunky, no-nonsense girl from Little Rock, AR. She was great!

A close up of our tats (as we like to refer to them). My arm is the sea turtle and hers is the butterfly. Pretty tight if I do say so myself!

Thank you Lord for an amazing week with so many amazing youth and adults who loved on us and were a blast to hang out with. Thank you for the refreshment that it provided to me in the middle of the summer. Father please continue to grant us energy and enthusiasm to get through these last 3 weeks of the summer. May we be intentional to soak in the blessing that so many of these youth and adults are to us.

Oh the things you do at YouthWorks...

When you sign up to work at YouthWorks you sign up for more than just the bulleted items on your job description...you sign up for all the jobs in the fine fine print...electrician, chef, conflict manager, nurse, and...plumber! Which is exactly what Heather (my SD in Sault Ste Marie) and I turned into yesterday.

We had been having drainage problems in our kitchen. Yesterday got especially bad when we came into the kitchen to find the floor covered with water. After some investigation, and some help from the janitor, we pulled the huge metal cover off the floor. Underneath was a large grease trap and one of the grossed things I have ever seen. In order to find the drainage problem we had to empty out this massive disgusting grease trap. The first layer of muck was approximately a 2 inch deep coagulated mass of grease (yummy) that looked like it had been sitting there since 1970...we then proceeded (with gloved hands) to scoop out the rest of the scum filled water. It looked like (sorry to gross you out) very horrible diarrhea. Thankfully it didn't start to smell too horrible until we got to the bottom. Then we had to concentrate on breathing out of our mouths in order not to puke.

I included a couple pictures to document the nastiness for your veiwing pleasure!

Praise the Lord for adventures like this that turn into great stories and memories!

P.S. we finally got the problem figured out (partially...at least enough to slow down the flooding in the kitchen) just a few minutes before our first group returned from the showers.

Oh the things you do at YouthWorks...

Fun Times in Branson

Who knew Branson, MO could be a place I was excited to go. This past week I got to spend a little "vacation" with my fellow Mid- States AD's and RD down in the great state of Missouri. Some of our community contacts in St Louis allowed us to use their condo, free of charge, for a couple nights. What a blessing! It had an amazing view and beds that felt like you were sleeping on clouds! (This was the view from our balcony-Table Rock Lake)

We got to just hang out and relax in the midst of the craziness of the summer. We had good food (much of it made compliments of Zach's amazing wife, Ellen), shared some laughs, spent time processing the summer and praying together, and spent a day on a boat on Table Rock Lake.

Some of the highlights of the boat were: Diet Coke breaks, watching Jason and Zach compete for the best football grab while jumping off the boat, basking in the sun on the boat deck and in the water, cruisin through some of God's amazing creation.

We also got to play putt-putt. Heidi took home the trophy, much to the chagrin of the fellas! Apparently, Heid beats them at a lot of things down in the Birmingham office.

All in all an amazing time of rest, relaxation, rejuvenation and most importantly, fellowship with one another.

Thank you Lord for that amazing opportunity and for using it to refresh me.